Winter

I found this on our computer in Kotzebue, written by a friend of Rachel's, I want to have written it because it is beautiful and really represents the area but I didn't. I hope you enjoy it.


Winter

sparkling in the morning light
glinting from the stars by night
frozen carpet, pale shroud
offspring of a frigid cloud

dry as dust, coarse as sand
melts like butter in the hand
stinging needles on the face
intricate as silken lace

cosmetic for a dirty world
earthward from the sky it swirled
present seven months a year
ubiquitous, it's always near

and when it's gone, you'll never know
that not so very long ago
when it was dark and the wind would blow
we lived in a world of snow

Donald Neal 2006

“I’ll Fly Away”

I'll fly away
Words so safe in your head
Children hoping they’re true as they lie in their bed
Hands groping, breath haunting
Touch strange yet familiar
Father, brother, uncle, friend
Just lying and waiting…waiting for the end…

cjl 06

Letting Go

I sent you away to let you grow
Watching and waiting as you come to know
The Grace of the Lord that his Love is sufficient.

Reach out for his arms and his warm embrace
To enter his kingdom and partake of his grace.

My child so angry and hurt and afraid
I remember today your moustache of kool-aid
Grown now, no longer a child
determining whether to be wild or mild.

Touched by his love but turning away
To stay on a path that takes you further away

What might you find if you look in the mirror?
emptiness, ugliness, fear, hate and dread...
That mirror is lies filling your head.

What will you see if you look in his eyes?
Beauty, Strength, Comfort, Someone to Advise.

How hard it must be being pulled to and fro
because of my love I will let you go.
Into his care for the lessons in store...
To help you remember and turn to him once more.

cjl 05/06

Doubt

Why do I hurt you inside of our head?
Why do I now...take pleasure in your dread?
I wait for those moments when strong turns to weak.
Then I come out not loud but gentle and meek.
You cannot do this, you've proven before
Why do you start over and come back for more?
I'm filled with derision; you're filled with doubt.
Your friends say beware but you let me come out.
Little by Little I eat away,
Not all at once but just some each day.
Each doubt leaves you empty, in a terrible mood.
Then I see that I've won when you reach for the food.

cjl 09/07

Your Body Does What You Ask

Today I hit a milestone. 100 pounds!! It is a milestone because that is half the weight I need to lose. That is hard to believe. When this began I just didn't know if I would be successful even with this drastic a step. To know that I have gotten 1/2 way there and still have about a year left (with the bypass they give you about an 18 month window of opportunity to get all of your excess weight off)it feels that it is possible.

Easy right? I am here to tell you it is not easy. Unless you are living inside my head it would be hard to understand. I self-defeat everyday. The first plateau I hit I knew why my body was "resting". It wanted to make sure I meant it this time. So I made up some positive things to say to myself when I would beat myself up. I reminded myself that my body did what I had asked. I felt that I needed the protection that this weight has given me all of my life. So when negativity crept up I would remind myself and thank my body for the help it had given me. I told my body that I would be patient and wait for when it felt ready to face my fears with me and let go of the extra weight. And I did...and it did, eventually.

One of the things that happened during this plateau was that my body took some time to "rearrange" itself. So, when the numbers started dropping my clothes fit differently immediately and let me know things had happened even though the scale had not moved. (I also recently discovered that a plateau is only a plateau if neither the scale nor measurements change for 3+ weeks.) I do not do and have not done measurements so when I say plateau it is a number plateau.

I hit my second plateau about 3 weeks ago. This was different because I was 3 pounds away from the 100 mark. So these three weeks were a little more difficult and I will admit I was not as nice to myself as I should have been. However, my positives this time were that I continued eating and exercising appropriately. My negative thoughts were not a constant battle about food and how I would get it and when I could get it. That is very exciting to me because it is a step I have prayed about for years. That food would not continue to have the stranglehold over my thoughts and be my comfort for everything. What a joy it was to think, when I was frustrated, I need to take a walk or workout instead. Thankfully, I have lots of active children in this house now always up for an outdoor adventure. Then, of course, Flora came and so she went to the activity center everyday with me. Dan has been there through this plateau 100%. He reminded me often of my commitment to let my body have the time it needed to become accustomed to what I am trying to accomplish. I am ever grateful to him and his unconditional love and acceptance of me when I worry about who I will become as I find myself through losing myself.

I am grateful to be in Metlakatla, at this time, because the weather is milder and so I do get out and hike and walk with the kids a lot more. My support system really has become family and friends because I do not have a built in support system like I did in Boise. No groups or counseling. So I turn to friends, family and the Lord, a lot, to get me through these times of uncertainty. For you all I am also grateful.

Appreciating the Little Things

I don't know that I appreciated the little things that my children did with the first 4. Maybe because I did not know them as little, little children. They were 5-12 when I came around. The last few children, though, I have seen do some crazy things. Often, when Xander is being Xander, my mom will say, "It is a good thing you and Dan got him because you love him no matter what"! Well, guess what? That is true. I love everything he does. Even his bad stuff and that is what I am talking about.

I finally realized how much I want to appreciate the little things. When I was potty training Xander it was frustrating for all of us. But especially for me. I wanted it done. I had started over again with a baby after 7 years with Xander and, for me, it feels very liberating to not have to change diapers or pullups. It feels like kids are almost grown. So I was rushing and there was a lot of hollaring and frustration in the house. One day I realized as I looked at him that when he was potty trained and in school and grown that he would be, well, grown. So I tried to slow down and reminded myself to let him go at his own pace. Others expectations do not rush Xander, or anyone, for that matter. However, when Xander decides he is going to do something he does it and guess what? He is potty trained and he hasn't even started school yet. (That was one of my fears.) All of that frustration probably made a crazy few months for Xander. Months he probably did not even understand because he would not know why they were happening. Those months stunk for me also because I was behaving in a way I don't like to as a parent. I like my kids to see someone happy most of the time. I try to lose my cool over only important things. I was letting losing my cool over the small things become my new behavior. I like myself better this way. Don't get me wrong when I see Dan's Ipod and cell phone floating in the bottom of the tub Xander better run faster than me...but I also want him to continue to wrap his arms around me and say he loves me or pat my head when he tells me he is sorry. I want to hear him say, "I no want to yike that" about the vegetables we put on his plate just a little while longer.

As we walk together now, Trevor, Amylynn, Kenneth and Xander, I appreciate what they appreciate, or I try to. I like them to show the things they notice on the walks be it bugs, flowers, shells, berries or something they see up ahead. I want to know why it interests them. Childrens views of the world are so much better than an adult view because ours get skewered by the expectations that others have for us. Children are pretty straight forward, they say it how they see it.

I may not have gotten my family in the traditional way but I appreciate and love them as if I had. I am grateful for our mixed bag and for the love we find in our home everyday. Yesterday, they all played together in Amylynn's room and Dan and I laughed about how much they were laughing and giggling while they played together. It doesn't get much better than that!

6 Weeks and Counting

I am not sure how long I will blog about the surgery but wanted to update some things. My weight loss is going very well. I have fears of adding foods into my diet. Mostly, I have fears of failing at this again. Some things I have noticed are that people are afraid to eat around me or apologetic when they do. I just wanted to alleviate some guilt. I did this because I wanted and needed the extra support to be successful. This does not mean that you can't eat around me. I will always be able to find something for myself and many times do not feel hungry. So please enjoy yourself. I will be able to enjoy nearly every food again, as well, in about 18 months (just not in the same portions) and until then I want to take advantage of this great tool for weight loss. I hope to learn new eating habits so well that I will never be able to eat the portion sizes I used to and will maintain what weight I can lose now.

I am grateful to everyone for their support. I just do not want this to be the central part of my life. I want new adventures, playing outside with my kids, participating at the park, learning to knit and other new things I want to learn or re incorporate into my life to be the central focus. I am excited to travel and be able to move around comfortably. I am enjoying learning to know what my bodies real needs are and to fulfill only those needs.

This week I got to go to Philly and New Jersey to visit with family and friends and witness a beautiful wedding. It was so fun. I love the East. I am so happy to see the colors and smell the smells of the East. My nephew ran me to New York to visit family there which he always does and I always love. Special times. I could not ask for more.

Have a great day!!

One Month Out

It has been one month since the surgery. This surgery is still more about my emotions than anything else as I have had no physical side effects (knock on wood). This is the week I can add food that is more solid. Soft foods like chicken breast, cooked vegetables...etc. If there are problems I just go back to clear liquids for a day or so to let my system rest.

I started this post a couple of days ago and yesterday had my first full day attempt with food and did have a physical response to eating...basically my stomach was not thrilled and let me know in the good old-fashioned way by not allowing the food to stay down. Not fun!

I wanted to talk about how great my kids are this week though. We have changed many things in the household to accommodate the new healthy eating habits I want us all to have. I am so grateful because there have been no complaints. I don't know whether this is because they don't know how I cooked things before or because they are just awesome. I like to think the latter.

Anyway, some of the changes they have had is moving the pasta to all whole grain...not a hard switch and very tasty. Changing from white to brown rice. An occasional bag of chips. Fruits and veggies with sandwiches instead of chips. Just basic healthy eating. Anyway, just wanted to say they are so cool. I have been so blessed with this family!

Gastric Bypass

I finally had gastric bypass on April 7, 2009. It has been a long time coming plus a long time to make a final decision that I probably could not lose all the weight I wanted without an extra tool to help me. The adoption of these last three younger children pushed me over the edge as I have aged to a point where I started to feel these extra pounds in my joints and movements as well as my energy level. Since I want to be around to see them grown as well as have the energy to play with them when given this opportunity through Alaska Air Group insurance I took it. I had finally started to move like a "fat" person with some waddle and I needed to go down the stairs one step at a time. I had pain in most of my joints but especially my knees.

Having given that small background getting to the surgery was also a challenge mentally and emotionally for me as I feared the death complication more than any others. I really enjoy my life and my family (all of it) so didn't want to miss out because I was trying to get healthier. Anyway, as the time drew nearer one of the suggestions was to write letters in the event that anything should happen to me. Well, that was too much for me...every time I sat down to write I cried so for me it was easier to tell people when I talked to them or emailed them or commented them or whatever what they meant to me and how much I loved them. For the most part this worked...for my own children it was a little too much focus on the death side but they supported me anyway especially after I got a blessing indicating either decision would work out.

With the support of my family, especially my awesome husband, and so many friends as well as the management at Horizon Air I headed to this new journey.

On the day of surgery I reminded everyone over and over that I had 9 children and lots of family that I am important too because I was so freaked out and I wanted to make sure they knew I was important to somebody. The doctor made a little bit of fun of me afterwords because he could tell how anxious I was before the surgery. I believe I was also given a little extra calming elixir in my IV because of these nerves.

I had a little nausea on the way to my room after surgery and one other time, which I can't quite remember, but know it happened but other than that have had no physical side effects so far. I did not have any physical pain and was able to get up and move around the same night of surgery. It was able to be completed laproscopically which probably helped with the lack of pain. I ran into an emotional wall the first Friday I was home because we were watching a movie and I was bored and realized that I could not change this decision like Weight Watchers or any other diet I have done. I had to stick with eating as prescribed because food eaten too early could seriously harm me. Once my head and I came to terms with this I have been pretty positive and excited about the changes. The other side effect I have had is my head telling me I must be starving. The first two weeks are all liquid so I do miss the chewing but know that will come back in time. I am looking forward to what I look like and how all this will end but for now wanted to post an update and let everyone know what has been going on with me.

I want to thank everyone again for the support, emails, calls and posts I have received to support me through this. It really helps me stay motivated and positive. I thought I would post pics every couple of weeks so people could keep up with the changes and it would not be quite so dramatic when you see me in person...at least that is what the psychiatrist says.

Love to all.

Early Morning Risers

I am not a natural early morning riser. I understand the accomplishments you can get done by being an early morning riser especially if you go to bed in time to get plenty of sleep but I do not come by it naturally. A little story from my mother recently explains how true this is...even though it is a little embarrassing for me.

We were driving to run errands one day and talking about what we do when and I said how much I enjoyed early mornings because I accomplished so much more than at night. My mom said, "wait, can you repeat that"? I said, "I really like early mornings"! She said, "Oh really...Miss Is there a reason you have to talk to me so much in the morning?" This obviously was a conversation we had had when I was a teenager and I have laughed about it so much because I could not even deny it as it really sounds like something I would have said and know I felt. I did not like talking much in the morning.

However, forces outside of my control have decided that I havechildren that are early morning risers. It has enabled me to learn the joy of early morning...with Erin we got to hear beautiful music in our home as she practiced the piano every morning. It also gives me the opportunity to study my scriptures, write in my journal and let me prepare for the day before everyone else got up. There is quite a peace to mornings.

With everyone mostly grown, however, I was beginning to enjoy lounging around in bed again...a little. Then we adopted Kenneth...he is a true early riser. He wakes up early no matter what time he goes to bed but if and when I take the opportunity to get up early with him (sometimes I remind him about how easy it is to get on the computer) I get to find out a lot about him. This is his time. He chats and tells me about his day, his dreams, pretty much anything I will listen to. He is sweet and helpful and really likes this time together so my goal is to really give in again and learn to appreciate the early morning riser again...just like with Erin. It was nice to find her kindred spirit in our new group of children.

Important TV to Cara

There are a couple of television programs that I love to gather with friends and family and settle in and watch. The two most everyone can guess are the Superbowl and The Academy Awards. The Superbowl came later in life but The Academy Awards have been a love since my childhood back when I knew I had the talent to achieve one of those awards and before fears I allowed into my life (too fat) would block me in this achievement. So my family has put up with this obsession with award shows very patiently. (I used to tell Rob all the time I was going to win just so he would be forced to watch.)

There is just a great energy in gathering for these events in my opinion. I have blogged about the Superbowl before on MySpace. I love to make munchies, have a great TV to watch on and invite people over to share these obsessions. Last night we got to share them with Nancy, Mellisa, Christy, Darrah and Anna (a friend). Mom did not have to endure since we did it at my house and she did not feel up to attending. She even had the nerve to tell me today that she didn't even finish last night...sad news...but at least she got to see the opening number which was great fun in my opinion.

I even got supportive phone calls from Flora, a traditional watcher, and Carol who knew what I would be doing. I find that great fun also just to know people know me that well. My kids used to be forced to watch because it was around our anniversary date and so we were always on a family trip and we spent that evening wherever we were watching...which I think helped them develop a love for all kinds of movies but possibly not so much the awards. :( I also knew somewhere Rachel would watch however much she could of them...supporting the cause in her own way. We also have a great tradition of trash talking the stars for their choice of hairstyle, dress, and jewelry as they arrive or announce nominees. I love to sit on the couch and judge from afar knowing I would have made sometimes similar choices and people would have been judging me.

I actually loved this year's awards because they had other award winners announce the nominees and honor them...it was fun to see these other stars express good will and wishes towards this year's batch of nominees. In Kotzebue, I watched with friends and we would make lists of movies we wanted to remember to see the rest of the year through rentals. I am sure I have not seen every movie that I missed but I still watch every year and picture myself up there someday accepting one of these awards. Anyway, thanks for the great time everyone and meet you around the TV next year!!!!

Family

How lucky I have been with family. I love my parents and all my brothers and sisters as well as nieces and nephews and have had the good fortune to spend enough time with most of them to feel as if we are friends as well as relatives.

When I was 33 I was blessed by Marilyn to be introduced to a man that allowed me the opportunity to join his family. And what a family...the children were awesome and have become wonderful adults that I get to begin to enjoy as friends without so much pressure for their decisions. Although, don't get me wrong, there are plenty of times I have to work through my normal parenting responses before I talk to them about supporting their decisions with faith in their abilities to determine their own outcomes. Much like I felt as an Aunt but without the parenting pressure.

As we added additional children and various family members into the mix at different times these great family members continued to support and love each one as part of our family even when it happened during missions, college, etc. I can only say again how blessed I am with my children. We continue to struggle and develop anew as we have adopted three children during this time and it has been difficult to put the family together with weddings and additional grandchildren and normal financial strains for young adults. But, each time we get together or have the opportunity to speak they (the older children) love and accept each child with unconditional love and acceptance that they are brothers and sisters and deserving of their love and devotion.

I have learned so much from the attitudes of the children Dan and Lynn brought to this family...from acceptance, patience, kindness, peace and joy, laughter, music, love. They embraced me in the same way and allowed me to be part of their lives and bless me and watch out for me and defend my craziness all the time. It has been an amazing journey and I have been fortunate to have played a small part in it all.

I try to repeat these attitudes now but find that we are creating a new path and a journey I have to learn again as we raise the younger children each that bring a new and different challenge. However, among all the challenges that we face together I cling to the steps we see that we are blending and becoming one. The trip to Erin's wedding and visits with the East Coast family and the pleasure they found in cousins their own age and children to play with that helped them realize the great family they are part of. The recent trip to Utah with very little contention for a 12 hour (combined) car ride. Trevor, Amylynn, Kenneth and Xander each trying to help in their own way to make it a peaceful and exciting ride. The joy as they notice nature and begin to develop friendships that they and we have worked so hard to create.

In short, I am thankful for my blessings and for the wonderful, supportive family I have that loves me in spite of my shortcomings and blesses me with support and advice when I feel I have lost my way. Thank you to all of you and your children.