Frustration

I have to complain a smidge so I will make this blog short...I hope.  I get so frustrated when my kids act like they are afraid of me and can't tell me anything they need to tell me.  Example without names...last weekend we shopped for clothes.  After, we headed to a bookstore and then home.  Now, a week later I asked about the new clothes and why they hadn't been worn.  I was told...'Oh, I left them at the bookstore'.  Now, this child, I know would have wanted to wear the clothes right away so would have known they left them at the store, if not the same day during the one hour drive from the store than at least the first school day following this little shopping excursion.  Not only that someone had gone down the day before and picked up another item left at another place, the same hour drive away, the same child had left behind.  So, yesterday would have been a great opportunity to tell me that said items had been forgotten and both could have been retrieved.

Today I am told, 'Yes, I knew I had left them but was afraid to tell you'.  Why?!?  I don't beat or even hit my kids...I spanked a few times with Trev but found that to be ineffective so the worst to expect is loudness from me!  I have other kids and Rachel, for example, would have been hounding me daily until I found a way to get those clothes back not telling me she was afraid to tell me!

Anyway, the frustration is that I feel like a bad parent when this happens.  And with the children we adopted from foster care it happens a lot.  I understand, truly, why they would be nervous and continue to try to help them feel secure that they could not do anything that would:

1. Make me beat them
2. Make me not love them
3. Make me send them away

I don't like feeling like the bad guy...it has been a constant and unexpected trial since, as I may or may not have mentioned in other posts, I am cool.  I am fun, love to play games, love to hug and kiss my kids, spend time with them and be a mom.  Feeling like a failure, where kids are concerned, is hard for me.

One of the best things someone ever said to me after adopting these children is, instead of saying, they have lived here XX amount of time so should be acting like ZZ...I should say, they have only been here XX amount of time and look at how far we have come.  Seriously, that was an answer to prayer and works for me every time when they are fighting with each other and I can see the frustrations involved in trying to become "true" brothers and sisters.  I think it works in every situation, with all of my children, reminding me kids are only a certain age so it might be expected behavior.  But it is harder when it is about being afraid of me.

Truthfully, I would say it worked in this situation also, if I think about it because it has been almost 3 months since the last time I heard it from either of them. It used to be daily and then became weekly so it is getting better.   It doesn't hurt less but I will keep plodding along because I can now hug and kiss them whenever I want without them looking at me like I am a "chester".  I tickled one recently and they didn't look at me like I was abusing them...they actually laughed a full on natural laugh.  We snuggle together on the couch and at church and I get to rub their backs and play with their hair and they want me to.  I hear about the things they do at school and the great things they do in their sports games. I hear about dance and my daughter and I are in a play together.

So thanks for letting me rant...it let me remember we are getting there!  And while I may be scary to them, I am grateful that it is positively scary to me how much I love them even when I am frustrated!

PS...positive note...someone turned the bag into mall security so we will be able to get the clothes back, too!  (Happy face for honest people!!!)

Friends

I was with a group of friends the other day and realized how similar we all were. We laughed at the same things, we liked the same things and we have similar goals. I have always thought that friends filled in my differences. You know what I mean...I am loud so they are quiet or I am a couch potato so they are runners, things like that. And, I would imagine, many do but I have discovered recently that my lifetime friends more or less "round me out" instead.

We all have many different types of friends as the saying goes...some people come into your life for a time...etc., etc. I have moved a lot so often friends have been left behind and I have found that these people were really more "acquaintances" than friends. Ones that I have been grateful for because they were part of my life in various locations or at certain times in my life and filled a need I may have had or a void. I hope, in return, I did the same for them and they were as grateful I was part of their lives as I was to have them in mine.

Others are friends that I don't see for awhile but then when I do it is as if no time has passed and we pick up right where we left off. Some of these friendships started in high school while others, for me, came after as I started to develop my own life independent of my family. I found friends at work but, as I would change the job or move because of the lack of convenience, I suppose, we would not see each other as often. But, if I am around the areas where these people live I will call them and try to connect and that is when I realize, or it seems, we could pick up right where we left off. I suppose these could also be considered lifetime friends but the lifetime friends I am writing about are the ones that I actually make the time and effort to maintain consistent contact with and they with me.

Because of this grand new technology, ie; Facebook, Skype, texting, etc., I am able keep in touch with all friends. I have found and have been found by many people that I haven't been in touch with for years. I am usually thrilled to find them and see how lives have turned out and how they are doing today. Unfortunately, I find much the same pattern I have created in life comes with the new technology. When I find an old friend, initially, I maintain pretty consistent contact with them but find, after time, myself slowly not responding or checking their "pages" as often. I don't mean for this to be the case, but, I do find it a consistent pattern.

Anyway...after that long digression...as I watch these friends moving through my life I discover that what I thought was our differences filling in parts I thought were missing in myself was that...instead our likenesses refine my rough edges and complete the person I am. I am grateful to these friends, their qualities, their spirits and energy. They lift me and build me and let me be who I am...without judgment but sometimes giving a gentle nudge (and by nudge I mean shove) back in the right direction if I divert too far off course. The let me make my mistakes and then let me cry on their shoulders when I realize I have made these mistakes. (They probably saw the end result long before I did but let me have life's lessons.)

These lifetime friends celebrate my successes and make me feel that I can accomplish anything. Gathering these friends takes a lifetime and how grateful I am they are in my life for all time!

Whose Turn is It?

I love games. I think they bring a family together. I love that we get out treats, that we gather, that we, generally, choose it together and everyone is involved. My children have heard more than once, "A family that plays games together, stays together." (Of course, I use that saying for nearly everything, "A family that ______________ (you fill the blank) together, stays together.) The key for me is doing it together.

We play board games, card games, car games, question games, and outside games. If we forget a game we make up a new game. I like that games usually lead to laughter, conversation, and togetherness. Don't get me wrong, I have been involved in many games where fighting ensues when someone is winning or losing and feelings get hurt or insecurities arise. Even that hasn't been a terrible thing because it allows us to teach the kids...ok, I mean me, how to be a good winner and successful loser. For the most part, though, we usually just laugh and have a good time.

Games have been especially important as we have added the adopted children. The games we play let us learn about each other in a non-threatening way. It allows them to share their stories as well as hear about our stories in an environment where they feel safe. And, it has been fun to hear them include themselves in our stories as time goes by and they begin to feel more and more connected with our family. One reason this is important is because there is such a large age gap between our oldest child and our youngest so we like to do things that will allow a relationship to grow between people that are not living in the home with us anymore. Side note: Skype has helped immensely with this, also. :)

Games also close a generation gap. I love to see the kids playing games with grandparents and hear the conversations that go on between them. Often, the younger kids are teaching their grandparents the new game and it is just fun to listen to them explain the rules and how the game works.


A few weekends ago, we went camping and put a new twist on "Hide and Seek". We call it "Hide and Scare". It was so fun. Instead of just hiding and waiting to be found, the kids hid in such a way that they could pop out and SCARE the seeker. It was so great to watch the seeker jump when it would be done just right and then the kids wanted to be the seeker. Usually they all want to hide and are sad when they are found first. This is another reason I love games...a slight twist makes a whole new game. We love sharing time with other families. Tonight, for instance, we challenged a friends family to kickball. My kids have been waiting all week to play with them. We can't wait to laugh, play a game and get to have some yummy treats at the end of the day.

I could also go on about the importance we have found that games make in logical thinking and the learning process during matching games and math games, for example, but that might take the fun out of the game so...shhhh! Games are not for everyone but they are for our family. We have found it a great way to spend our free time and bond with each other.

I Am Sorry

I am sorry! Three little words but some of the hardest words to say...out loud...to another person. At least when I watch my four children still at home, it appears that way. They can get along so well and play games, talk about their days, enjoy meals together and drive for hours without fighting. But, accidentally bump someone or step on a toe and it is an all out war about who was really to blame when all it would have taken was for the offender to say, "Oh, I stepped on your toe." "I am sorry!" and it would have been over.

I apologize all the time when I know I have done something wrong. I apologize to my husband, family, children, friends and co-workers. I apologize when I find out I have hurt someones feelings, when I may accidentally hurt someone physically, and maybe just when I have been snippy for no reason. I apologize when I am wrong and try to make amends. I am not perfect at this but I am just saying my kids have seen and heard me apologize so this should not be a new concept. And, I feel like it leads to healing and growth, generally speaking.

I am sorry says...hey, I recognize I have done something wrong or I have offended you and I want to make it better. It also says...I intend to not let something like this happen again. Again, I am not always perfect at this but who is? I mean, probably, I am going to bump into someone again or forget to hold a door or step on a toe. I will fight with my kids over something and find out I was wrong or yelled at the wrong child. I will make a mistake in my marriage and have to say I am sorry but the intention when I say I am sorry is I will really do my best to make sure this doesn't happen again.

Come to think of it maybe this is why it is so difficult for the "littles" to apologize. It is rough going, sometimes, for them to feel connected and when these little "accidents" happen it is taken by the other as a personal attack. We have come a long way in the last three years as far as connecting and time between the feeling that the others do not belong but during these fights you can see the old feelings and behaviors rise up to the surface. Maybe they have a hard time saying I am sorry because they haven't decided if it was an accident or if they really intended to inflict pain on their sibling.

The problem I have with not saying I am sorry is that the person that inflicted the pain, intentionally or accidentally, does not take responsibility for their action. They, instead, say things like, "Well, you should have moved your foot." or "Why were you standing so close to me?" Needless to say it is frustrating and sometimes feels so discouraging because it is such a simple phrase...I am sorry. Three little words that say so much...especially when you mean them.

Fall

I love fall. It is my favorite season. The smell is what starts it off. It is a crisp, clean smell in the air. You can smell the harvest in the air. Then you feel it. Again, the crisp air when you first feel the need to wear a sweater or sweatshirt when you go out at night until you want to carry one along all day. The weather when that entices you to snuggle under a blanket when you watch movies at night and have some buttery popcorn to go along with it. It makes me want to gather as a family at home playing games instead out being outside playing in the park because it is just a little too cold for that.

I like that school sports have started and football begins. The school bands march and homecoming excitement is everywhere. Kids are still excited about school and seeing friends again after summer holidays. I like that you can build fires in the fireplaces in the evening and tell stories about the day and just laugh and enjoy each other.

Fall reminds me of the holidays that are about to arrive. I love Halloween. I love the fun of decorating with fall colors and pumpkins, hayrides and hot chocolate. I love buying candy throughout the whole season so kids can sneak a treat. I love helping the kids decide what they want to be for Halloween and then helping them dress up and make up to go out for a night of fun. I love when the kids come to our home and we get to find out what they are dressed up like. I like to scare them a little and see if they will come all the way to the door.

I just love all the sights and sounds of the upcoming holidays...Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love the feeling of excitement from people in the streets and in the stores. People start to act a little nicer to each other and you see a lot of smiling because it is still early enough to have the enthusiasm about Christmas and still far enough away from the stress of last minute rushing. You smell cooking beginning and families and friends getting together to bake treats.

I know soon our families will gather for one holiday or another and that excites me. I am so happy when fall arrives because it is really my season. I know some people will miss the warm weather and sunbathing but I will walk in the mornings and breathe in that clean, brisk, invigorating air and feel my soul come alive again.

Grace and Dignity

Grace and dignity. These are words I always feel I want to exemplify in my life. I have seen people with these qualities and always wish for those same qualities in my own makeup. This past two weeks I spent time with my niece and nephew, Kim and Marcus, as they faced the awful challenge of letting a child return to live with his Heavenly Father. They shared an example of grace and dignity with all those whose lives they touched.

Having returned home from a trip Kim picked up her children and put them to bed. In the middle of the night her 7 year old awoke from sleep with a terrible headache, one that made him cry out loud enough for Kim to hear him. She held him and left to get him some water when he cried out how thirsty he was and when she returned found he could not drink it just before he passed out. As he was rushed to the hospital she found out he had suffered a cerebral arteriovenous malformation (AVM); an abnormal connection between the arteries and veins in the brain that usually forms before birth. If this had been an adult they would call it an aneurysm. This could be anywhere but for Ethan it was on his brain stem. The surgeon decided surgery could be effective and went forward trying to heal him.

This is where I was able to be part of the story. My sister-in-law left a message for me to let me know this was going on. I called my friend who immediately said she would watch my children so I could go be with my niece and her family that was gathering. This is when I saw grace exemplified.

Kim and Marcus have touched hundreds of lives in their community. They run a children's theatre and have run a haunted house in the area. Kim is a teacher, and so, has touched many lives through that calling. Needless to say when I arrived to the hospital with my son, Michael the "quiet" room was filled with family from both sides and many friends. Kim's husband Marcus was to arrive home with her son, Parker later that day. When Kim saw me she hurried over for a hug and let me visit her son. This did not stop. Kim and Marcus allowed all of us to be part of this vigil through the next week and let all who felt they needed to be there, be there. They never hesitated to let people visit Ethan and be in the room even when they were there. Instead you felt like you were doing them a service. They were kind and generous with their love and expressed gratitude continuously that we were there. There were times when they worried that they were not doing enough and were being given so much they could not repay the kindnesses received.

There was not a time that someone was not there to visit or be near the family even through the night. As time drew closer to the realization that things were not going to turn around for the better they continued to inspire and pass along a spiritual strength to those around them. They never lost patience with doctors, nurses or family. Everyone was enveloped in the love of this couple and their family. I kept remarking to a couple of other nieces that if it had been me I would have been shoving people out the door, feeling sorry for myself and expressing myself much the way a "sailor" would. Not Kim and Marcus, they always spoke in quiet tones and had something uplifting to say to everyone that was there. They did not request anything from anyone but did not turn away any offer of help or service even if it would have been more than most could take.

When other family members would lose their tempers or patience at the hospital staff or with the frustration of the inability to change the inevitable they would follow behind and murmur, "I am sorry, this is how they grieve"or "It is not personal, they are just sad". There was never any judgment and we were all allowed to be ourselves but mostly we were able to witness the grace and dignity with which, I feel, we should all face our trials. No complaints, no harsh words just a continued hope centered faith. Knowing that whatever the outcome we will learn and become better people through our trials.

On Saturday when little Ethan left this world, again, Kim and Marcus allowed those who felt the need to be there the ability to wait in the quiet room as they said their good-byes. They never turned anyone away. They had also made the decision that they would share Ethan's organs with others. So, on this, the saddest day of their lives, the shared immense joy with families that would no longer be facing this vigil.

The celebration of Ethan's life was also a time of peace and laughter and, yes, a few tears. Kim and Marcus allowed those closest to Ethan the opportunity to participate in sharing their glimpses into the life of this special boy which in turn allowed those of us not always close by the ability to get to know their son in a small way. Marcus gave the life story and filled the overflowing chapel with laughter and joy that this boy had been a part of the lives of this family.

If I could display, during the best days of my life, the same grace and dignity Kim and Marcus displayed during the hardest days of their lives I will have accomplished something great.

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome - A Family United

As the name of the blog suggests our family is blended. We have 9 children. Dan had 4 children when we got married ranging in age from 6-12. A year later we added Trevor, the redhead in the family. (Occasionally he claims to be an only child because he is the only one I gave birth too. :)) Later we were given an opportunity to adopt a baby boy and we jumped at the chance. We received him into our home when he was nine days old. Then we got to have a wonderful 16 year old join our family as a permanent (at least we hope so) member. (She does have her own family and we love them, too. They have been very gracious in allowing us to lay claim to her, though.) Finally, through the foster care program we added two more to our family when they were 5 and 8. We have also had many foster children and I had a foster daughter when I was single that we have had the joy to have be part of our family.

Our family has always been so special to me because of the measure of love the older children have shown in accepting me when I came into the circle and then all these additional children that we have had the opportunity to love and combine into our lives. Our two oldest have married and added their spouses and now some granchildren to the mix and we have been thrilled with these additions and the tradition of acceptance has continued as we have seen the way their spouses have loved and accepted our family.


Our youngest has recently been diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. This stems from maternal drinking during pregnancy. We had some early ideas by some of his behaviors but had not been given a diagnosis. As his impulse control and temper and other behaviors have gotten more pronounced and intense we decided to have it looked into so we could be certain and know how best to help him. We had a MRI and pre testing done with Utah Valley Pediatrics. He was then referred to University of Utah so further genetic testing could be done. This was when we got a firm diagnosis.

Because I had been studying the outcomes of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome I was really hoping for ADD or ADHD or some other initials that would feel more positive. But our initials ended up being FAS. This was one of the few times in my life when I actually cried after being told something. I know how slim our chances are to keep our boy healthy and out of harm, through no fault of his own.

I cried again today because my sister suggested trying to find the "success" stories of FAS, meaning children that don't end up in prison, or worse. I have found that it has been difficult to find "answers" or even places to find things people have tried that have made a difference for these children. A friend said that is because there are so few successes.

As I talked to my sister she said what about the 10% not in prison or dead. Where are they? That is what I have been searching for. We have been trying to educate our family both immediate and extended about the behaviors that they will see exhibited so that they are prepared. As his mother I want people to love him and know that many of the behaviors that other children can control (which gives you good reason to punish) mine can't. It does not matter what his punishment is...he will repeat some behaviors. And we will repeat timeouts, taking away toys or rocks or many other things. We will try to keep him from dashing into the street because he wants to chase something and then stopping in the middle to see why we are yelling at him and running after him.

As I said I was sad again today. thinking negatively, which is really unlike my natural personality. I love to see the bright side. Anyway, talking with Kali today (a dear friend) she said why can't you be the 10% that help their child make it through this difficult path that lies ahead. I thought, she is right. Why not me or rather us because it is an us. Our family, extended family and community are all pulling for us to succeed. I know I have a support system in place in my life of so many willing to find new ideas and success thinkers willing to brainstorm with me to support this boy. This is one our our immediate family's best traits. We love each other. So we begin the process. We will try horse therapy starting in August as I have heard it is successful with many children with many different diagnosis. We are in the process of buying a home with a little land so that he can play and run outside and get out the excess energy in a safe environment. Mostly, though we are teaching him and each other love, patience, acceptance and a chance to grow and educate ourselves about something new. What we get in return are some of the best hugs, kisses and laughs you would ever want from a child. He has a sense of humor that is out of this world.

Here are some links for information...please share any you find as well.

http://www.nofas.org/about/

http://www.utahfetalalcohol.org/index.html

One last reminder about him and all these children...this was preventable. He did not take the drinks that have caused this. Please do not drink while you are pregnant.