Friends

I was with a group of friends the other day and realized how similar we all were. We laughed at the same things, we liked the same things and we have similar goals. I have always thought that friends filled in my differences. You know what I mean...I am loud so they are quiet or I am a couch potato so they are runners, things like that. And, I would imagine, many do but I have discovered recently that my lifetime friends more or less "round me out" instead.

We all have many different types of friends as the saying goes...some people come into your life for a time...etc., etc. I have moved a lot so often friends have been left behind and I have found that these people were really more "acquaintances" than friends. Ones that I have been grateful for because they were part of my life in various locations or at certain times in my life and filled a need I may have had or a void. I hope, in return, I did the same for them and they were as grateful I was part of their lives as I was to have them in mine.

Others are friends that I don't see for awhile but then when I do it is as if no time has passed and we pick up right where we left off. Some of these friendships started in high school while others, for me, came after as I started to develop my own life independent of my family. I found friends at work but, as I would change the job or move because of the lack of convenience, I suppose, we would not see each other as often. But, if I am around the areas where these people live I will call them and try to connect and that is when I realize, or it seems, we could pick up right where we left off. I suppose these could also be considered lifetime friends but the lifetime friends I am writing about are the ones that I actually make the time and effort to maintain consistent contact with and they with me.

Because of this grand new technology, ie; Facebook, Skype, texting, etc., I am able keep in touch with all friends. I have found and have been found by many people that I haven't been in touch with for years. I am usually thrilled to find them and see how lives have turned out and how they are doing today. Unfortunately, I find much the same pattern I have created in life comes with the new technology. When I find an old friend, initially, I maintain pretty consistent contact with them but find, after time, myself slowly not responding or checking their "pages" as often. I don't mean for this to be the case, but, I do find it a consistent pattern.

Anyway...after that long digression...as I watch these friends moving through my life I discover that what I thought was our differences filling in parts I thought were missing in myself was that...instead our likenesses refine my rough edges and complete the person I am. I am grateful to these friends, their qualities, their spirits and energy. They lift me and build me and let me be who I am...without judgment but sometimes giving a gentle nudge (and by nudge I mean shove) back in the right direction if I divert too far off course. The let me make my mistakes and then let me cry on their shoulders when I realize I have made these mistakes. (They probably saw the end result long before I did but let me have life's lessons.)

These lifetime friends celebrate my successes and make me feel that I can accomplish anything. Gathering these friends takes a lifetime and how grateful I am they are in my life for all time!

Whose Turn is It?

I love games. I think they bring a family together. I love that we get out treats, that we gather, that we, generally, choose it together and everyone is involved. My children have heard more than once, "A family that plays games together, stays together." (Of course, I use that saying for nearly everything, "A family that ______________ (you fill the blank) together, stays together.) The key for me is doing it together.

We play board games, card games, car games, question games, and outside games. If we forget a game we make up a new game. I like that games usually lead to laughter, conversation, and togetherness. Don't get me wrong, I have been involved in many games where fighting ensues when someone is winning or losing and feelings get hurt or insecurities arise. Even that hasn't been a terrible thing because it allows us to teach the kids...ok, I mean me, how to be a good winner and successful loser. For the most part, though, we usually just laugh and have a good time.

Games have been especially important as we have added the adopted children. The games we play let us learn about each other in a non-threatening way. It allows them to share their stories as well as hear about our stories in an environment where they feel safe. And, it has been fun to hear them include themselves in our stories as time goes by and they begin to feel more and more connected with our family. One reason this is important is because there is such a large age gap between our oldest child and our youngest so we like to do things that will allow a relationship to grow between people that are not living in the home with us anymore. Side note: Skype has helped immensely with this, also. :)

Games also close a generation gap. I love to see the kids playing games with grandparents and hear the conversations that go on between them. Often, the younger kids are teaching their grandparents the new game and it is just fun to listen to them explain the rules and how the game works.


A few weekends ago, we went camping and put a new twist on "Hide and Seek". We call it "Hide and Scare". It was so fun. Instead of just hiding and waiting to be found, the kids hid in such a way that they could pop out and SCARE the seeker. It was so great to watch the seeker jump when it would be done just right and then the kids wanted to be the seeker. Usually they all want to hide and are sad when they are found first. This is another reason I love games...a slight twist makes a whole new game. We love sharing time with other families. Tonight, for instance, we challenged a friends family to kickball. My kids have been waiting all week to play with them. We can't wait to laugh, play a game and get to have some yummy treats at the end of the day.

I could also go on about the importance we have found that games make in logical thinking and the learning process during matching games and math games, for example, but that might take the fun out of the game so...shhhh! Games are not for everyone but they are for our family. We have found it a great way to spend our free time and bond with each other.

I Am Sorry

I am sorry! Three little words but some of the hardest words to say...out loud...to another person. At least when I watch my four children still at home, it appears that way. They can get along so well and play games, talk about their days, enjoy meals together and drive for hours without fighting. But, accidentally bump someone or step on a toe and it is an all out war about who was really to blame when all it would have taken was for the offender to say, "Oh, I stepped on your toe." "I am sorry!" and it would have been over.

I apologize all the time when I know I have done something wrong. I apologize to my husband, family, children, friends and co-workers. I apologize when I find out I have hurt someones feelings, when I may accidentally hurt someone physically, and maybe just when I have been snippy for no reason. I apologize when I am wrong and try to make amends. I am not perfect at this but I am just saying my kids have seen and heard me apologize so this should not be a new concept. And, I feel like it leads to healing and growth, generally speaking.

I am sorry says...hey, I recognize I have done something wrong or I have offended you and I want to make it better. It also says...I intend to not let something like this happen again. Again, I am not always perfect at this but who is? I mean, probably, I am going to bump into someone again or forget to hold a door or step on a toe. I will fight with my kids over something and find out I was wrong or yelled at the wrong child. I will make a mistake in my marriage and have to say I am sorry but the intention when I say I am sorry is I will really do my best to make sure this doesn't happen again.

Come to think of it maybe this is why it is so difficult for the "littles" to apologize. It is rough going, sometimes, for them to feel connected and when these little "accidents" happen it is taken by the other as a personal attack. We have come a long way in the last three years as far as connecting and time between the feeling that the others do not belong but during these fights you can see the old feelings and behaviors rise up to the surface. Maybe they have a hard time saying I am sorry because they haven't decided if it was an accident or if they really intended to inflict pain on their sibling.

The problem I have with not saying I am sorry is that the person that inflicted the pain, intentionally or accidentally, does not take responsibility for their action. They, instead, say things like, "Well, you should have moved your foot." or "Why were you standing so close to me?" Needless to say it is frustrating and sometimes feels so discouraging because it is such a simple phrase...I am sorry. Three little words that say so much...especially when you mean them.

Fall

I love fall. It is my favorite season. The smell is what starts it off. It is a crisp, clean smell in the air. You can smell the harvest in the air. Then you feel it. Again, the crisp air when you first feel the need to wear a sweater or sweatshirt when you go out at night until you want to carry one along all day. The weather when that entices you to snuggle under a blanket when you watch movies at night and have some buttery popcorn to go along with it. It makes me want to gather as a family at home playing games instead out being outside playing in the park because it is just a little too cold for that.

I like that school sports have started and football begins. The school bands march and homecoming excitement is everywhere. Kids are still excited about school and seeing friends again after summer holidays. I like that you can build fires in the fireplaces in the evening and tell stories about the day and just laugh and enjoy each other.

Fall reminds me of the holidays that are about to arrive. I love Halloween. I love the fun of decorating with fall colors and pumpkins, hayrides and hot chocolate. I love buying candy throughout the whole season so kids can sneak a treat. I love helping the kids decide what they want to be for Halloween and then helping them dress up and make up to go out for a night of fun. I love when the kids come to our home and we get to find out what they are dressed up like. I like to scare them a little and see if they will come all the way to the door.

I just love all the sights and sounds of the upcoming holidays...Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love the feeling of excitement from people in the streets and in the stores. People start to act a little nicer to each other and you see a lot of smiling because it is still early enough to have the enthusiasm about Christmas and still far enough away from the stress of last minute rushing. You smell cooking beginning and families and friends getting together to bake treats.

I know soon our families will gather for one holiday or another and that excites me. I am so happy when fall arrives because it is really my season. I know some people will miss the warm weather and sunbathing but I will walk in the mornings and breathe in that clean, brisk, invigorating air and feel my soul come alive again.

Grace and Dignity

Grace and dignity. These are words I always feel I want to exemplify in my life. I have seen people with these qualities and always wish for those same qualities in my own makeup. This past two weeks I spent time with my niece and nephew, Kim and Marcus, as they faced the awful challenge of letting a child return to live with his Heavenly Father. They shared an example of grace and dignity with all those whose lives they touched.

Having returned home from a trip Kim picked up her children and put them to bed. In the middle of the night her 7 year old awoke from sleep with a terrible headache, one that made him cry out loud enough for Kim to hear him. She held him and left to get him some water when he cried out how thirsty he was and when she returned found he could not drink it just before he passed out. As he was rushed to the hospital she found out he had suffered a cerebral arteriovenous malformation (AVM); an abnormal connection between the arteries and veins in the brain that usually forms before birth. If this had been an adult they would call it an aneurysm. This could be anywhere but for Ethan it was on his brain stem. The surgeon decided surgery could be effective and went forward trying to heal him.

This is where I was able to be part of the story. My sister-in-law left a message for me to let me know this was going on. I called my friend who immediately said she would watch my children so I could go be with my niece and her family that was gathering. This is when I saw grace exemplified.

Kim and Marcus have touched hundreds of lives in their community. They run a children's theatre and have run a haunted house in the area. Kim is a teacher, and so, has touched many lives through that calling. Needless to say when I arrived to the hospital with my son, Michael the "quiet" room was filled with family from both sides and many friends. Kim's husband Marcus was to arrive home with her son, Parker later that day. When Kim saw me she hurried over for a hug and let me visit her son. This did not stop. Kim and Marcus allowed all of us to be part of this vigil through the next week and let all who felt they needed to be there, be there. They never hesitated to let people visit Ethan and be in the room even when they were there. Instead you felt like you were doing them a service. They were kind and generous with their love and expressed gratitude continuously that we were there. There were times when they worried that they were not doing enough and were being given so much they could not repay the kindnesses received.

There was not a time that someone was not there to visit or be near the family even through the night. As time drew closer to the realization that things were not going to turn around for the better they continued to inspire and pass along a spiritual strength to those around them. They never lost patience with doctors, nurses or family. Everyone was enveloped in the love of this couple and their family. I kept remarking to a couple of other nieces that if it had been me I would have been shoving people out the door, feeling sorry for myself and expressing myself much the way a "sailor" would. Not Kim and Marcus, they always spoke in quiet tones and had something uplifting to say to everyone that was there. They did not request anything from anyone but did not turn away any offer of help or service even if it would have been more than most could take.

When other family members would lose their tempers or patience at the hospital staff or with the frustration of the inability to change the inevitable they would follow behind and murmur, "I am sorry, this is how they grieve"or "It is not personal, they are just sad". There was never any judgment and we were all allowed to be ourselves but mostly we were able to witness the grace and dignity with which, I feel, we should all face our trials. No complaints, no harsh words just a continued hope centered faith. Knowing that whatever the outcome we will learn and become better people through our trials.

On Saturday when little Ethan left this world, again, Kim and Marcus allowed those who felt the need to be there the ability to wait in the quiet room as they said their good-byes. They never turned anyone away. They had also made the decision that they would share Ethan's organs with others. So, on this, the saddest day of their lives, the shared immense joy with families that would no longer be facing this vigil.

The celebration of Ethan's life was also a time of peace and laughter and, yes, a few tears. Kim and Marcus allowed those closest to Ethan the opportunity to participate in sharing their glimpses into the life of this special boy which in turn allowed those of us not always close by the ability to get to know their son in a small way. Marcus gave the life story and filled the overflowing chapel with laughter and joy that this boy had been a part of the lives of this family.

If I could display, during the best days of my life, the same grace and dignity Kim and Marcus displayed during the hardest days of their lives I will have accomplished something great.