Winter

I found this on our computer in Kotzebue, written by a friend of Rachel's, I want to have written it because it is beautiful and really represents the area but I didn't. I hope you enjoy it.


Winter

sparkling in the morning light
glinting from the stars by night
frozen carpet, pale shroud
offspring of a frigid cloud

dry as dust, coarse as sand
melts like butter in the hand
stinging needles on the face
intricate as silken lace

cosmetic for a dirty world
earthward from the sky it swirled
present seven months a year
ubiquitous, it's always near

and when it's gone, you'll never know
that not so very long ago
when it was dark and the wind would blow
we lived in a world of snow

Donald Neal 2006

“I’ll Fly Away”

I'll fly away
Words so safe in your head
Children hoping they’re true as they lie in their bed
Hands groping, breath haunting
Touch strange yet familiar
Father, brother, uncle, friend
Just lying and waiting…waiting for the end…

cjl 06

Letting Go

I sent you away to let you grow
Watching and waiting as you come to know
The Grace of the Lord that his Love is sufficient.

Reach out for his arms and his warm embrace
To enter his kingdom and partake of his grace.

My child so angry and hurt and afraid
I remember today your moustache of kool-aid
Grown now, no longer a child
determining whether to be wild or mild.

Touched by his love but turning away
To stay on a path that takes you further away

What might you find if you look in the mirror?
emptiness, ugliness, fear, hate and dread...
That mirror is lies filling your head.

What will you see if you look in his eyes?
Beauty, Strength, Comfort, Someone to Advise.

How hard it must be being pulled to and fro
because of my love I will let you go.
Into his care for the lessons in store...
To help you remember and turn to him once more.

cjl 05/06

Doubt

Why do I hurt you inside of our head?
Why do I now...take pleasure in your dread?
I wait for those moments when strong turns to weak.
Then I come out not loud but gentle and meek.
You cannot do this, you've proven before
Why do you start over and come back for more?
I'm filled with derision; you're filled with doubt.
Your friends say beware but you let me come out.
Little by Little I eat away,
Not all at once but just some each day.
Each doubt leaves you empty, in a terrible mood.
Then I see that I've won when you reach for the food.

cjl 09/07

Your Body Does What You Ask

Today I hit a milestone. 100 pounds!! It is a milestone because that is half the weight I need to lose. That is hard to believe. When this began I just didn't know if I would be successful even with this drastic a step. To know that I have gotten 1/2 way there and still have about a year left (with the bypass they give you about an 18 month window of opportunity to get all of your excess weight off)it feels that it is possible.

Easy right? I am here to tell you it is not easy. Unless you are living inside my head it would be hard to understand. I self-defeat everyday. The first plateau I hit I knew why my body was "resting". It wanted to make sure I meant it this time. So I made up some positive things to say to myself when I would beat myself up. I reminded myself that my body did what I had asked. I felt that I needed the protection that this weight has given me all of my life. So when negativity crept up I would remind myself and thank my body for the help it had given me. I told my body that I would be patient and wait for when it felt ready to face my fears with me and let go of the extra weight. And I did...and it did, eventually.

One of the things that happened during this plateau was that my body took some time to "rearrange" itself. So, when the numbers started dropping my clothes fit differently immediately and let me know things had happened even though the scale had not moved. (I also recently discovered that a plateau is only a plateau if neither the scale nor measurements change for 3+ weeks.) I do not do and have not done measurements so when I say plateau it is a number plateau.

I hit my second plateau about 3 weeks ago. This was different because I was 3 pounds away from the 100 mark. So these three weeks were a little more difficult and I will admit I was not as nice to myself as I should have been. However, my positives this time were that I continued eating and exercising appropriately. My negative thoughts were not a constant battle about food and how I would get it and when I could get it. That is very exciting to me because it is a step I have prayed about for years. That food would not continue to have the stranglehold over my thoughts and be my comfort for everything. What a joy it was to think, when I was frustrated, I need to take a walk or workout instead. Thankfully, I have lots of active children in this house now always up for an outdoor adventure. Then, of course, Flora came and so she went to the activity center everyday with me. Dan has been there through this plateau 100%. He reminded me often of my commitment to let my body have the time it needed to become accustomed to what I am trying to accomplish. I am ever grateful to him and his unconditional love and acceptance of me when I worry about who I will become as I find myself through losing myself.

I am grateful to be in Metlakatla, at this time, because the weather is milder and so I do get out and hike and walk with the kids a lot more. My support system really has become family and friends because I do not have a built in support system like I did in Boise. No groups or counseling. So I turn to friends, family and the Lord, a lot, to get me through these times of uncertainty. For you all I am also grateful.

Appreciating the Little Things

I don't know that I appreciated the little things that my children did with the first 4. Maybe because I did not know them as little, little children. They were 5-12 when I came around. The last few children, though, I have seen do some crazy things. Often, when Xander is being Xander, my mom will say, "It is a good thing you and Dan got him because you love him no matter what"! Well, guess what? That is true. I love everything he does. Even his bad stuff and that is what I am talking about.

I finally realized how much I want to appreciate the little things. When I was potty training Xander it was frustrating for all of us. But especially for me. I wanted it done. I had started over again with a baby after 7 years with Xander and, for me, it feels very liberating to not have to change diapers or pullups. It feels like kids are almost grown. So I was rushing and there was a lot of hollaring and frustration in the house. One day I realized as I looked at him that when he was potty trained and in school and grown that he would be, well, grown. So I tried to slow down and reminded myself to let him go at his own pace. Others expectations do not rush Xander, or anyone, for that matter. However, when Xander decides he is going to do something he does it and guess what? He is potty trained and he hasn't even started school yet. (That was one of my fears.) All of that frustration probably made a crazy few months for Xander. Months he probably did not even understand because he would not know why they were happening. Those months stunk for me also because I was behaving in a way I don't like to as a parent. I like my kids to see someone happy most of the time. I try to lose my cool over only important things. I was letting losing my cool over the small things become my new behavior. I like myself better this way. Don't get me wrong when I see Dan's Ipod and cell phone floating in the bottom of the tub Xander better run faster than me...but I also want him to continue to wrap his arms around me and say he loves me or pat my head when he tells me he is sorry. I want to hear him say, "I no want to yike that" about the vegetables we put on his plate just a little while longer.

As we walk together now, Trevor, Amylynn, Kenneth and Xander, I appreciate what they appreciate, or I try to. I like them to show the things they notice on the walks be it bugs, flowers, shells, berries or something they see up ahead. I want to know why it interests them. Childrens views of the world are so much better than an adult view because ours get skewered by the expectations that others have for us. Children are pretty straight forward, they say it how they see it.

I may not have gotten my family in the traditional way but I appreciate and love them as if I had. I am grateful for our mixed bag and for the love we find in our home everyday. Yesterday, they all played together in Amylynn's room and Dan and I laughed about how much they were laughing and giggling while they played together. It doesn't get much better than that!

6 Weeks and Counting

I am not sure how long I will blog about the surgery but wanted to update some things. My weight loss is going very well. I have fears of adding foods into my diet. Mostly, I have fears of failing at this again. Some things I have noticed are that people are afraid to eat around me or apologetic when they do. I just wanted to alleviate some guilt. I did this because I wanted and needed the extra support to be successful. This does not mean that you can't eat around me. I will always be able to find something for myself and many times do not feel hungry. So please enjoy yourself. I will be able to enjoy nearly every food again, as well, in about 18 months (just not in the same portions) and until then I want to take advantage of this great tool for weight loss. I hope to learn new eating habits so well that I will never be able to eat the portion sizes I used to and will maintain what weight I can lose now.

I am grateful to everyone for their support. I just do not want this to be the central part of my life. I want new adventures, playing outside with my kids, participating at the park, learning to knit and other new things I want to learn or re incorporate into my life to be the central focus. I am excited to travel and be able to move around comfortably. I am enjoying learning to know what my bodies real needs are and to fulfill only those needs.

This week I got to go to Philly and New Jersey to visit with family and friends and witness a beautiful wedding. It was so fun. I love the East. I am so happy to see the colors and smell the smells of the East. My nephew ran me to New York to visit family there which he always does and I always love. Special times. I could not ask for more.

Have a great day!!