Winter

I found this on our computer in Kotzebue, written by a friend of Rachel's, I want to have written it because it is beautiful and really represents the area but I didn't. I hope you enjoy it.


Winter

sparkling in the morning light
glinting from the stars by night
frozen carpet, pale shroud
offspring of a frigid cloud

dry as dust, coarse as sand
melts like butter in the hand
stinging needles on the face
intricate as silken lace

cosmetic for a dirty world
earthward from the sky it swirled
present seven months a year
ubiquitous, it's always near

and when it's gone, you'll never know
that not so very long ago
when it was dark and the wind would blow
we lived in a world of snow

Donald Neal 2006

“I’ll Fly Away”

I'll fly away
Words so safe in your head
Children hoping they’re true as they lie in their bed
Hands groping, breath haunting
Touch strange yet familiar
Father, brother, uncle, friend
Just lying and waiting…waiting for the end…

cjl 06

Letting Go

I sent you away to let you grow
Watching and waiting as you come to know
The Grace of the Lord that his Love is sufficient.

Reach out for his arms and his warm embrace
To enter his kingdom and partake of his grace.

My child so angry and hurt and afraid
I remember today your moustache of kool-aid
Grown now, no longer a child
determining whether to be wild or mild.

Touched by his love but turning away
To stay on a path that takes you further away

What might you find if you look in the mirror?
emptiness, ugliness, fear, hate and dread...
That mirror is lies filling your head.

What will you see if you look in his eyes?
Beauty, Strength, Comfort, Someone to Advise.

How hard it must be being pulled to and fro
because of my love I will let you go.
Into his care for the lessons in store...
To help you remember and turn to him once more.

cjl 05/06

Doubt

Why do I hurt you inside of our head?
Why do I now...take pleasure in your dread?
I wait for those moments when strong turns to weak.
Then I come out not loud but gentle and meek.
You cannot do this, you've proven before
Why do you start over and come back for more?
I'm filled with derision; you're filled with doubt.
Your friends say beware but you let me come out.
Little by Little I eat away,
Not all at once but just some each day.
Each doubt leaves you empty, in a terrible mood.
Then I see that I've won when you reach for the food.

cjl 09/07

Your Body Does What You Ask

Today I hit a milestone. 100 pounds!! It is a milestone because that is half the weight I need to lose. That is hard to believe. When this began I just didn't know if I would be successful even with this drastic a step. To know that I have gotten 1/2 way there and still have about a year left (with the bypass they give you about an 18 month window of opportunity to get all of your excess weight off)it feels that it is possible.

Easy right? I am here to tell you it is not easy. Unless you are living inside my head it would be hard to understand. I self-defeat everyday. The first plateau I hit I knew why my body was "resting". It wanted to make sure I meant it this time. So I made up some positive things to say to myself when I would beat myself up. I reminded myself that my body did what I had asked. I felt that I needed the protection that this weight has given me all of my life. So when negativity crept up I would remind myself and thank my body for the help it had given me. I told my body that I would be patient and wait for when it felt ready to face my fears with me and let go of the extra weight. And I did...and it did, eventually.

One of the things that happened during this plateau was that my body took some time to "rearrange" itself. So, when the numbers started dropping my clothes fit differently immediately and let me know things had happened even though the scale had not moved. (I also recently discovered that a plateau is only a plateau if neither the scale nor measurements change for 3+ weeks.) I do not do and have not done measurements so when I say plateau it is a number plateau.

I hit my second plateau about 3 weeks ago. This was different because I was 3 pounds away from the 100 mark. So these three weeks were a little more difficult and I will admit I was not as nice to myself as I should have been. However, my positives this time were that I continued eating and exercising appropriately. My negative thoughts were not a constant battle about food and how I would get it and when I could get it. That is very exciting to me because it is a step I have prayed about for years. That food would not continue to have the stranglehold over my thoughts and be my comfort for everything. What a joy it was to think, when I was frustrated, I need to take a walk or workout instead. Thankfully, I have lots of active children in this house now always up for an outdoor adventure. Then, of course, Flora came and so she went to the activity center everyday with me. Dan has been there through this plateau 100%. He reminded me often of my commitment to let my body have the time it needed to become accustomed to what I am trying to accomplish. I am ever grateful to him and his unconditional love and acceptance of me when I worry about who I will become as I find myself through losing myself.

I am grateful to be in Metlakatla, at this time, because the weather is milder and so I do get out and hike and walk with the kids a lot more. My support system really has become family and friends because I do not have a built in support system like I did in Boise. No groups or counseling. So I turn to friends, family and the Lord, a lot, to get me through these times of uncertainty. For you all I am also grateful.