Grace and dignity. These are words I always feel I want to exemplify in my life. I have seen people with these qualities and always wish for those same qualities in my own makeup. This past two weeks I spent time with my niece and nephew, Kim and Marcus, as they faced the awful challenge of letting a child return to live with his Heavenly Father. They shared an example of grace and dignity with all those whose lives they touched.
Having returned home from a trip Kim picked up her children and put them to bed. In the middle of the night her 7 year old awoke from sleep with a terrible headache, one that made him cry out loud enough for Kim to hear him. She held him and left to get him some water when he cried out how thirsty he was and when she returned found he could not drink it just before he passed out. As he was rushed to the hospital she found out he had suffered a cerebral arteriovenous malformation (AVM); an abnormal connection between the arteries and veins in the brain that usually forms before birth. If this had been an adult they would call it an aneurysm. This could be anywhere but for Ethan it was on his brain stem. The surgeon decided surgery could be effective and went forward trying to heal him.
This is where I was able to be part of the story. My sister-in-law left a message for me to let me know this was going on. I called my friend who immediately said she would watch my children so I could go be with my niece and her family that was gathering. This is when I saw grace exemplified.
Kim and Marcus have touched hundreds of lives in their community. They run a children's theatre and have run a haunted house in the area. Kim is a teacher, and so, has touched many lives through that calling. Needless to say when I arrived to the hospital with my son, Michael the "quiet" room was filled with family from both sides and many friends. Kim's husband Marcus was to arrive home with her son, Parker later that day. When Kim saw me she hurried over for a hug and let me visit her son. This did not stop. Kim and Marcus allowed all of us to be part of this vigil through the next week and let all who felt they needed to be there, be there. They never hesitated to let people visit Ethan and be in the room even when they were there. Instead you felt like you were doing them a service. They were kind and generous with their love and expressed gratitude continuously that we were there. There were times when they worried that they were not doing enough and were being given so much they could not repay the kindnesses received.
There was not a time that someone was not there to visit or be near the family even through the night. As time drew closer to the realization that things were not going to turn around for the better they continued to inspire and pass along a spiritual strength to those around them. They never lost patience with doctors, nurses or family. Everyone was enveloped in the love of this couple and their family. I kept remarking to a couple of other nieces that if it had been me I would have been shoving people out the door, feeling sorry for myself and expressing myself much the way a "sailor" would. Not Kim and Marcus, they always spoke in quiet tones and had something uplifting to say to everyone that was there. They did not request anything from anyone but did not turn away any offer of help or service even if it would have been more than most could take.
When other family members would lose their tempers or patience at the hospital staff or with the frustration of the inability to change the inevitable they would follow behind and murmur, "I am sorry, this is how they grieve"or "It is not personal, they are just sad". There was never any judgment and we were all allowed to be ourselves but mostly we were able to witness the grace and dignity with which, I feel, we should all face our trials. No complaints, no harsh words just a continued hope centered faith. Knowing that whatever the outcome we will learn and become better people through our trials.
On Saturday when little Ethan left this world, again, Kim and Marcus allowed those who felt the need to be there the ability to wait in the quiet room as they said their good-byes. They never turned anyone away. They had also made the decision that they would share Ethan's organs with others. So, on this, the saddest day of their lives, the shared immense joy with families that would no longer be facing this vigil.
The celebration of Ethan's life was also a time of peace and laughter and, yes, a few tears. Kim and Marcus allowed those closest to Ethan the opportunity to participate in sharing their glimpses into the life of this special boy which in turn allowed those of us not always close by the ability to get to know their son in a small way. Marcus gave the life story and filled the overflowing chapel with laughter and joy that this boy had been a part of the lives of this family.
If I could display, during the best days of my life, the same grace and dignity Kim and Marcus displayed during the hardest days of their lives I will have accomplished something great.
