Wrinkle Blanket

-->

As I look into her face, a face I have been looking into since I was born, I lose myself in her wrinkles.  Some fine and barely there, others etched in as deep as if carved there by a stone-cutter.  To her the wrinkles are sometimes valued; but mostly unwanted as they mark the passing of time and reality sets in that her youth might finally be gone. The wrinkles that cross her face are like blankets to me, something I can crawl into…cover myself with…. comfort myself in…memories and the people that created them.  Looking into the mirror I see my own wrinkles that are being fashioned.  Some around my eyes, some near my lips and my neckline is beginning to show the roadways created by age.  

I have heard her voice say, as she looks in a mirror, “I don’t even recognize myself sometimes”.  I tell her…and it is true, “I don’t even see them.”  When I look at her, generally, I see her from my own youthful eyes and memories.  I see her from the stories my dad told of seeing her around a corner as he decided if he was going to actually meet her and how taken he was by her beautiful auburn hair. I see her from the pictures of her youth; as beautiful as any Hollywood movie star and twice as glamorous. Picking me up from school, attending my concerts and plays.  I see her making dinners for family and standing by the sink cleaning the dishes after our big, loud family has gathered. I see her caring for us when we are sick.  I see her worried about how she will feed us but never turning anyone away from a meal in our home.  I see her arms open with a hug. Running after grandchildren, sitting in a chair in the corner crocheting Christmas stockings to hang by the fire.  I see her regret when she has said or done the wrong thing.  I see her too proud to say I’m sorry and I see her pride when she sees what we have accomplished.

I see her up late at night waiting for us to arrive home.  I see her when she worried about the choices we were making.  I see her folding laundry while my sister and I told her about our day. I see her when I would lay my head in her lap weeping over some sadness or some dumb boy and feel those hands caressing my head while she told me how amazing I was and that everything would be ok.

Now, as time rushes by and each day becomes more precious than the last, I see her as someone that needs me as much as I need her.  I trace those wrinkles and hope that I can trace them again tomorrow. I see those wrinkles and wonder if I will ever know the tale of each wrinkle or how it got there.  While to her each wrinkle proves she is old to me each wrinkle tells a story.  Each wrinkle holds a lesson.  If we could touch the wrinkle and go back in time we could see if they were created by laughter, tears, worry, fears or joy, pride, relief and happiness.  Now, facing my own aging battles, what I do know…what I am sure of…is that each wrinkle holds the love of a mother locked deep inside.

Write more...YELL less!

I have been trying to decide what direction to take this blog because mostly it is very random thoughts and experiences.  So, as it is aptly named, Life in a Blended Family, I have decided to stick with family. Go me!  Today, I read about the Orange Rhino Challenge (thank you, Margaret) found at: http://theorangerhino.com/10-things-i-learned-when-i-stopped-yelling-at-my-kids/

I accept the challenge and will blog about my journey in the next year to not yell at my children...or husband.  I have been working a lot on this and seem to do it the best when I am going through a trial.  When faced with financial strains a few years ago I always felt I was very successful when I did not yell at the kids throughout the day because I knew I was overly stressed and none of it was their doing.  However, I do yell over silly things and mostly it is out of the blue.  I can tell because I can see it in their eyes...both the surprise and hurt especially if it is something that has happened before and I haven't yelled.  What I do know is that when I am yelling it is about me generally.  I am seeing behavior I don't like in myself, I am stressed, tired or mad at someone or something else.

I feel children have been entrusted to us by our Father in Heaven and I want to be the best I can be in this endeavor.  Honestly, I feel like I do a million things right and some things wrong but the wrong weigh on me heavily.  Sometimes it is only a passing comment about the way they are dressed or how they are wearing their hair that hurts them and sometimes it is more like yelling at them about a grade or breaking a rule.  Don't get me wrong, I believe in boundaries and personal responsibility and I believe children can and will learn these things as we exemplify them in our own lives.  However, I do not believe the best learning comes when I am yelling and/or beating a dead horse.

Even today as I began this challenge when I was talking to one of the kids I asked my teenager if it sounded like I was yelling and he said,  "no, but it did sound like you were angry".  So for me it goes beyond just yelling.  I am a passionate person and so when I am passionate about something it does come across very intensely.  Not only that I come from a family of 11 and I liked to be heard, loudly. So becoming "soft-spoken", needless to say, has been a long, arduous journey for me but it is a journey I continue to feel worth taking. 

And so it begins.  Goals I have during this journey to help me stay the course are:

1.  Exercise daily - I KNOW this helps me.  I am always a better and more patient person when I have worked out and sweated early in the morning.  For whatever reason it releases the endorphins I need to behave properly and the double bonus is it keeps me on track with my weight loss goals.

2.  Journal/Blog daily/weekly - Writing helps me get negative thoughts out of my mind when I put it on paper.  Also, when I am writing it is one of the few times my mind is quiet and I can receive the inspiration I am looking for about how to improve or solve a problem. 

3.  Pray/meditate daily - Call it what you will it is another time I can quiet my mind and free my thoughts to receive inspiration and extra strength to see me through my day.  It is also a chance to recognize and acknowledge the support I received and daily blessings at the end of my day.

4.  Gratitude journal daily - I have used these often throughout my life but I have one dedicated to my children...and husband this year and each night I will write 3 things about each of them that I saw them do throughout the day that reminds me of what awesome kids I know them to be.  Plus, I feel, it will help me to remember my commitment the next day.

So, how lucky for you, Monday will be blog day with updates about this journey.  Thanks for being my awesome support group and for loving me anyway! 

Errands for Ethan

I have posted about this family before but to honor the one year anniversary of the death of their son they have started an "Errands for Ethan" campaign. It is designed just for you to do something kind or give an act of service on each March 26. Then post to share what you have done. Remember, "no one can do everything but everyone can do something"!

Here is a reminder of their story:

Errands for Ethan

by Cortney Shurtz on Monday, March 19, 2012 at 1:26pm ·

Dear Friends and Family,

A year ago on March 26th, which is next Monday, the world lost an incredible, loveable, lively, and beautiful little boy. He was born on September 4th 2003 to his loving parents Marcus and Kim. Ethan Ellsworth was the kind of boy every kid wanted as their friend, the type of player every team wanted on their side, and the type of angel Heavenly Father needed so quickly back at his side. He was an incredible young boy to say the very least and he is missed so very much by those who loved him and remember his lively and infallible spirit.

Ethan was the middle child between his brother Parker and sister Madilyn. He was also beyond excited to find out that his Mommy was expecting a little boy in whom he wanted to name Hawk. Please read Kim's blog on how his little brother's name evolved. Kim was six months pregnant when Ethan left this world. There is no doubt that a part of Ethan lives on in his amazingly sweet and loving little brother.

The passing of Ethan was completely unexpected. He was born with a condition known as AVM. Below you can find a link to more information. The AVM caused his brain to hemorrhage unexpectedly one night and he was rushed to the hospital for both a diagnosis, then emergency surgery to stop the horrific bleeding that was occurring. His parents would remain both faithful and hopeful for the next several days until the final reports came back that there was nothing they could do for our sweet Ethan. Marcus and Kim made the hardest and most painful decision that any parents should ever have to make. They took Ethan off of the machines, but not before donating almost every organ of Ethan's that was healthy and able to be used for other children. This is what Ethan was about. He lived to love and brighten others' lives and he would want nothing less than to see his organs being used for good. Ethan

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arteriovenous_malformation

This world is a better place because of Ethan Ellsworth. He touched the lives of everyone he came across on his short earthly journey. If it wasn't his amazing eyes or handsome appearance, it was his charming personality that won people over. Because of Ethan we are inspired to continue to live each day to the fullest (we all know he did this like the best of them!) and to help anyone and everyone that we meet along our earthly journey.

This March 26th and every one to follow will be declared ERRANDS FOR ETHAN Day. This is a day where we will perform random acts of kindness in his name. Whether it be buying someone's meal behind you in the fast food line, visiting a lonely neighbor or friend, baking goods and delivering them to those who need lifted, helping someone with yardwork, or just lending an ear or your heart to someone who is in need of love and acceptance in their life...we can all be a part of changing someone else's life for the better.

Ethan did this EVERY single day of his life. He was our hero and we thought that there is no better way to allow his legacy to live on than to perform errands of kindness and love on his anniversary date each year.

Please don't let these actions stop with you, instead let's help this become viral. This can be accomplished thanks to facebook and other social networks that connect us around the globe. Please forward this to all of your friends and family and encourage them to do the same. One seven year old's dream of a better future through unconditional love and kindness could in fact change our world. Do this for Ethan and help buoy his family with your incredible stories.

Kim invited me to share her blog with the world. She wants everyone to know and love Ethan as we did. This past month she has been recounting Ethan's last month on Earth and this week she will be sharing their last week with Ethan at the hospital. We encourage you to read the blog. It is truly inspiring and if her blog can help just one person on their personal journey of grief, it will have been worth her time each day to recount her memories and experiences.

We also ask that you share your experiences of ERRANDS FOR ETHAN, whether it be directly on Kim's blog or linked to this note. We want to hear the wonderful things that are being performed in his memory. Thank you for helping keep his memory alive and for doing such wonderful acts that any heavenly host would be proud of.

Ethan we LOVE you and will ALWAYS remember you!

http://www.kimandmarcus.blogspot.com/

Frustration

I have to complain a smidge so I will make this blog short...I hope.  I get so frustrated when my kids act like they are afraid of me and can't tell me anything they need to tell me.  Example without names...last weekend we shopped for clothes.  After, we headed to a bookstore and then home.  Now, a week later I asked about the new clothes and why they hadn't been worn.  I was told...'Oh, I left them at the bookstore'.  Now, this child, I know would have wanted to wear the clothes right away so would have known they left them at the store, if not the same day during the one hour drive from the store than at least the first school day following this little shopping excursion.  Not only that someone had gone down the day before and picked up another item left at another place, the same hour drive away, the same child had left behind.  So, yesterday would have been a great opportunity to tell me that said items had been forgotten and both could have been retrieved.

Today I am told, 'Yes, I knew I had left them but was afraid to tell you'.  Why?!?  I don't beat or even hit my kids...I spanked a few times with Trev but found that to be ineffective so the worst to expect is loudness from me!  I have other kids and Rachel, for example, would have been hounding me daily until I found a way to get those clothes back not telling me she was afraid to tell me!

Anyway, the frustration is that I feel like a bad parent when this happens.  And with the children we adopted from foster care it happens a lot.  I understand, truly, why they would be nervous and continue to try to help them feel secure that they could not do anything that would:

1. Make me beat them
2. Make me not love them
3. Make me send them away

I don't like feeling like the bad guy...it has been a constant and unexpected trial since, as I may or may not have mentioned in other posts, I am cool.  I am fun, love to play games, love to hug and kiss my kids, spend time with them and be a mom.  Feeling like a failure, where kids are concerned, is hard for me.

One of the best things someone ever said to me after adopting these children is, instead of saying, they have lived here XX amount of time so should be acting like ZZ...I should say, they have only been here XX amount of time and look at how far we have come.  Seriously, that was an answer to prayer and works for me every time when they are fighting with each other and I can see the frustrations involved in trying to become "true" brothers and sisters.  I think it works in every situation, with all of my children, reminding me kids are only a certain age so it might be expected behavior.  But it is harder when it is about being afraid of me.

Truthfully, I would say it worked in this situation also, if I think about it because it has been almost 3 months since the last time I heard it from either of them. It used to be daily and then became weekly so it is getting better.   It doesn't hurt less but I will keep plodding along because I can now hug and kiss them whenever I want without them looking at me like I am a "chester".  I tickled one recently and they didn't look at me like I was abusing them...they actually laughed a full on natural laugh.  We snuggle together on the couch and at church and I get to rub their backs and play with their hair and they want me to.  I hear about the things they do at school and the great things they do in their sports games. I hear about dance and my daughter and I are in a play together.

So thanks for letting me rant...it let me remember we are getting there!  And while I may be scary to them, I am grateful that it is positively scary to me how much I love them even when I am frustrated!

PS...positive note...someone turned the bag into mall security so we will be able to get the clothes back, too!  (Happy face for honest people!!!)

Friends

I was with a group of friends the other day and realized how similar we all were. We laughed at the same things, we liked the same things and we have similar goals. I have always thought that friends filled in my differences. You know what I mean...I am loud so they are quiet or I am a couch potato so they are runners, things like that. And, I would imagine, many do but I have discovered recently that my lifetime friends more or less "round me out" instead.

We all have many different types of friends as the saying goes...some people come into your life for a time...etc., etc. I have moved a lot so often friends have been left behind and I have found that these people were really more "acquaintances" than friends. Ones that I have been grateful for because they were part of my life in various locations or at certain times in my life and filled a need I may have had or a void. I hope, in return, I did the same for them and they were as grateful I was part of their lives as I was to have them in mine.

Others are friends that I don't see for awhile but then when I do it is as if no time has passed and we pick up right where we left off. Some of these friendships started in high school while others, for me, came after as I started to develop my own life independent of my family. I found friends at work but, as I would change the job or move because of the lack of convenience, I suppose, we would not see each other as often. But, if I am around the areas where these people live I will call them and try to connect and that is when I realize, or it seems, we could pick up right where we left off. I suppose these could also be considered lifetime friends but the lifetime friends I am writing about are the ones that I actually make the time and effort to maintain consistent contact with and they with me.

Because of this grand new technology, ie; Facebook, Skype, texting, etc., I am able keep in touch with all friends. I have found and have been found by many people that I haven't been in touch with for years. I am usually thrilled to find them and see how lives have turned out and how they are doing today. Unfortunately, I find much the same pattern I have created in life comes with the new technology. When I find an old friend, initially, I maintain pretty consistent contact with them but find, after time, myself slowly not responding or checking their "pages" as often. I don't mean for this to be the case, but, I do find it a consistent pattern.

Anyway...after that long digression...as I watch these friends moving through my life I discover that what I thought was our differences filling in parts I thought were missing in myself was that...instead our likenesses refine my rough edges and complete the person I am. I am grateful to these friends, their qualities, their spirits and energy. They lift me and build me and let me be who I am...without judgment but sometimes giving a gentle nudge (and by nudge I mean shove) back in the right direction if I divert too far off course. The let me make my mistakes and then let me cry on their shoulders when I realize I have made these mistakes. (They probably saw the end result long before I did but let me have life's lessons.)

These lifetime friends celebrate my successes and make me feel that I can accomplish anything. Gathering these friends takes a lifetime and how grateful I am they are in my life for all time!

Whose Turn is It?

I love games. I think they bring a family together. I love that we get out treats, that we gather, that we, generally, choose it together and everyone is involved. My children have heard more than once, "A family that plays games together, stays together." (Of course, I use that saying for nearly everything, "A family that ______________ (you fill the blank) together, stays together.) The key for me is doing it together.

We play board games, card games, car games, question games, and outside games. If we forget a game we make up a new game. I like that games usually lead to laughter, conversation, and togetherness. Don't get me wrong, I have been involved in many games where fighting ensues when someone is winning or losing and feelings get hurt or insecurities arise. Even that hasn't been a terrible thing because it allows us to teach the kids...ok, I mean me, how to be a good winner and successful loser. For the most part, though, we usually just laugh and have a good time.

Games have been especially important as we have added the adopted children. The games we play let us learn about each other in a non-threatening way. It allows them to share their stories as well as hear about our stories in an environment where they feel safe. And, it has been fun to hear them include themselves in our stories as time goes by and they begin to feel more and more connected with our family. One reason this is important is because there is such a large age gap between our oldest child and our youngest so we like to do things that will allow a relationship to grow between people that are not living in the home with us anymore. Side note: Skype has helped immensely with this, also. :)

Games also close a generation gap. I love to see the kids playing games with grandparents and hear the conversations that go on between them. Often, the younger kids are teaching their grandparents the new game and it is just fun to listen to them explain the rules and how the game works.


A few weekends ago, we went camping and put a new twist on "Hide and Seek". We call it "Hide and Scare". It was so fun. Instead of just hiding and waiting to be found, the kids hid in such a way that they could pop out and SCARE the seeker. It was so great to watch the seeker jump when it would be done just right and then the kids wanted to be the seeker. Usually they all want to hide and are sad when they are found first. This is another reason I love games...a slight twist makes a whole new game. We love sharing time with other families. Tonight, for instance, we challenged a friends family to kickball. My kids have been waiting all week to play with them. We can't wait to laugh, play a game and get to have some yummy treats at the end of the day.

I could also go on about the importance we have found that games make in logical thinking and the learning process during matching games and math games, for example, but that might take the fun out of the game so...shhhh! Games are not for everyone but they are for our family. We have found it a great way to spend our free time and bond with each other.

I Am Sorry

I am sorry! Three little words but some of the hardest words to say...out loud...to another person. At least when I watch my four children still at home, it appears that way. They can get along so well and play games, talk about their days, enjoy meals together and drive for hours without fighting. But, accidentally bump someone or step on a toe and it is an all out war about who was really to blame when all it would have taken was for the offender to say, "Oh, I stepped on your toe." "I am sorry!" and it would have been over.

I apologize all the time when I know I have done something wrong. I apologize to my husband, family, children, friends and co-workers. I apologize when I find out I have hurt someones feelings, when I may accidentally hurt someone physically, and maybe just when I have been snippy for no reason. I apologize when I am wrong and try to make amends. I am not perfect at this but I am just saying my kids have seen and heard me apologize so this should not be a new concept. And, I feel like it leads to healing and growth, generally speaking.

I am sorry says...hey, I recognize I have done something wrong or I have offended you and I want to make it better. It also says...I intend to not let something like this happen again. Again, I am not always perfect at this but who is? I mean, probably, I am going to bump into someone again or forget to hold a door or step on a toe. I will fight with my kids over something and find out I was wrong or yelled at the wrong child. I will make a mistake in my marriage and have to say I am sorry but the intention when I say I am sorry is I will really do my best to make sure this doesn't happen again.

Come to think of it maybe this is why it is so difficult for the "littles" to apologize. It is rough going, sometimes, for them to feel connected and when these little "accidents" happen it is taken by the other as a personal attack. We have come a long way in the last three years as far as connecting and time between the feeling that the others do not belong but during these fights you can see the old feelings and behaviors rise up to the surface. Maybe they have a hard time saying I am sorry because they haven't decided if it was an accident or if they really intended to inflict pain on their sibling.

The problem I have with not saying I am sorry is that the person that inflicted the pain, intentionally or accidentally, does not take responsibility for their action. They, instead, say things like, "Well, you should have moved your foot." or "Why were you standing so close to me?" Needless to say it is frustrating and sometimes feels so discouraging because it is such a simple phrase...I am sorry. Three little words that say so much...especially when you mean them.

Fall

I love fall. It is my favorite season. The smell is what starts it off. It is a crisp, clean smell in the air. You can smell the harvest in the air. Then you feel it. Again, the crisp air when you first feel the need to wear a sweater or sweatshirt when you go out at night until you want to carry one along all day. The weather when that entices you to snuggle under a blanket when you watch movies at night and have some buttery popcorn to go along with it. It makes me want to gather as a family at home playing games instead out being outside playing in the park because it is just a little too cold for that.

I like that school sports have started and football begins. The school bands march and homecoming excitement is everywhere. Kids are still excited about school and seeing friends again after summer holidays. I like that you can build fires in the fireplaces in the evening and tell stories about the day and just laugh and enjoy each other.

Fall reminds me of the holidays that are about to arrive. I love Halloween. I love the fun of decorating with fall colors and pumpkins, hayrides and hot chocolate. I love buying candy throughout the whole season so kids can sneak a treat. I love helping the kids decide what they want to be for Halloween and then helping them dress up and make up to go out for a night of fun. I love when the kids come to our home and we get to find out what they are dressed up like. I like to scare them a little and see if they will come all the way to the door.

I just love all the sights and sounds of the upcoming holidays...Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love the feeling of excitement from people in the streets and in the stores. People start to act a little nicer to each other and you see a lot of smiling because it is still early enough to have the enthusiasm about Christmas and still far enough away from the stress of last minute rushing. You smell cooking beginning and families and friends getting together to bake treats.

I know soon our families will gather for one holiday or another and that excites me. I am so happy when fall arrives because it is really my season. I know some people will miss the warm weather and sunbathing but I will walk in the mornings and breathe in that clean, brisk, invigorating air and feel my soul come alive again.

Grace and Dignity

Grace and dignity. These are words I always feel I want to exemplify in my life. I have seen people with these qualities and always wish for those same qualities in my own makeup. This past two weeks I spent time with my niece and nephew, Kim and Marcus, as they faced the awful challenge of letting a child return to live with his Heavenly Father. They shared an example of grace and dignity with all those whose lives they touched.

Having returned home from a trip Kim picked up her children and put them to bed. In the middle of the night her 7 year old awoke from sleep with a terrible headache, one that made him cry out loud enough for Kim to hear him. She held him and left to get him some water when he cried out how thirsty he was and when she returned found he could not drink it just before he passed out. As he was rushed to the hospital she found out he had suffered a cerebral arteriovenous malformation (AVM); an abnormal connection between the arteries and veins in the brain that usually forms before birth. If this had been an adult they would call it an aneurysm. This could be anywhere but for Ethan it was on his brain stem. The surgeon decided surgery could be effective and went forward trying to heal him.

This is where I was able to be part of the story. My sister-in-law left a message for me to let me know this was going on. I called my friend who immediately said she would watch my children so I could go be with my niece and her family that was gathering. This is when I saw grace exemplified.

Kim and Marcus have touched hundreds of lives in their community. They run a children's theatre and have run a haunted house in the area. Kim is a teacher, and so, has touched many lives through that calling. Needless to say when I arrived to the hospital with my son, Michael the "quiet" room was filled with family from both sides and many friends. Kim's husband Marcus was to arrive home with her son, Parker later that day. When Kim saw me she hurried over for a hug and let me visit her son. This did not stop. Kim and Marcus allowed all of us to be part of this vigil through the next week and let all who felt they needed to be there, be there. They never hesitated to let people visit Ethan and be in the room even when they were there. Instead you felt like you were doing them a service. They were kind and generous with their love and expressed gratitude continuously that we were there. There were times when they worried that they were not doing enough and were being given so much they could not repay the kindnesses received.

There was not a time that someone was not there to visit or be near the family even through the night. As time drew closer to the realization that things were not going to turn around for the better they continued to inspire and pass along a spiritual strength to those around them. They never lost patience with doctors, nurses or family. Everyone was enveloped in the love of this couple and their family. I kept remarking to a couple of other nieces that if it had been me I would have been shoving people out the door, feeling sorry for myself and expressing myself much the way a "sailor" would. Not Kim and Marcus, they always spoke in quiet tones and had something uplifting to say to everyone that was there. They did not request anything from anyone but did not turn away any offer of help or service even if it would have been more than most could take.

When other family members would lose their tempers or patience at the hospital staff or with the frustration of the inability to change the inevitable they would follow behind and murmur, "I am sorry, this is how they grieve"or "It is not personal, they are just sad". There was never any judgment and we were all allowed to be ourselves but mostly we were able to witness the grace and dignity with which, I feel, we should all face our trials. No complaints, no harsh words just a continued hope centered faith. Knowing that whatever the outcome we will learn and become better people through our trials.

On Saturday when little Ethan left this world, again, Kim and Marcus allowed those who felt the need to be there the ability to wait in the quiet room as they said their good-byes. They never turned anyone away. They had also made the decision that they would share Ethan's organs with others. So, on this, the saddest day of their lives, the shared immense joy with families that would no longer be facing this vigil.

The celebration of Ethan's life was also a time of peace and laughter and, yes, a few tears. Kim and Marcus allowed those closest to Ethan the opportunity to participate in sharing their glimpses into the life of this special boy which in turn allowed those of us not always close by the ability to get to know their son in a small way. Marcus gave the life story and filled the overflowing chapel with laughter and joy that this boy had been a part of the lives of this family.

If I could display, during the best days of my life, the same grace and dignity Kim and Marcus displayed during the hardest days of their lives I will have accomplished something great.

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome - A Family United

As the name of the blog suggests our family is blended. We have 9 children. Dan had 4 children when we got married ranging in age from 6-12. A year later we added Trevor, the redhead in the family. (Occasionally he claims to be an only child because he is the only one I gave birth too. :)) Later we were given an opportunity to adopt a baby boy and we jumped at the chance. We received him into our home when he was nine days old. Then we got to have a wonderful 16 year old join our family as a permanent (at least we hope so) member. (She does have her own family and we love them, too. They have been very gracious in allowing us to lay claim to her, though.) Finally, through the foster care program we added two more to our family when they were 5 and 8. We have also had many foster children and I had a foster daughter when I was single that we have had the joy to have be part of our family.

Our family has always been so special to me because of the measure of love the older children have shown in accepting me when I came into the circle and then all these additional children that we have had the opportunity to love and combine into our lives. Our two oldest have married and added their spouses and now some granchildren to the mix and we have been thrilled with these additions and the tradition of acceptance has continued as we have seen the way their spouses have loved and accepted our family.


Our youngest has recently been diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. This stems from maternal drinking during pregnancy. We had some early ideas by some of his behaviors but had not been given a diagnosis. As his impulse control and temper and other behaviors have gotten more pronounced and intense we decided to have it looked into so we could be certain and know how best to help him. We had a MRI and pre testing done with Utah Valley Pediatrics. He was then referred to University of Utah so further genetic testing could be done. This was when we got a firm diagnosis.

Because I had been studying the outcomes of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome I was really hoping for ADD or ADHD or some other initials that would feel more positive. But our initials ended up being FAS. This was one of the few times in my life when I actually cried after being told something. I know how slim our chances are to keep our boy healthy and out of harm, through no fault of his own.

I cried again today because my sister suggested trying to find the "success" stories of FAS, meaning children that don't end up in prison, or worse. I have found that it has been difficult to find "answers" or even places to find things people have tried that have made a difference for these children. A friend said that is because there are so few successes.

As I talked to my sister she said what about the 10% not in prison or dead. Where are they? That is what I have been searching for. We have been trying to educate our family both immediate and extended about the behaviors that they will see exhibited so that they are prepared. As his mother I want people to love him and know that many of the behaviors that other children can control (which gives you good reason to punish) mine can't. It does not matter what his punishment is...he will repeat some behaviors. And we will repeat timeouts, taking away toys or rocks or many other things. We will try to keep him from dashing into the street because he wants to chase something and then stopping in the middle to see why we are yelling at him and running after him.

As I said I was sad again today. thinking negatively, which is really unlike my natural personality. I love to see the bright side. Anyway, talking with Kali today (a dear friend) she said why can't you be the 10% that help their child make it through this difficult path that lies ahead. I thought, she is right. Why not me or rather us because it is an us. Our family, extended family and community are all pulling for us to succeed. I know I have a support system in place in my life of so many willing to find new ideas and success thinkers willing to brainstorm with me to support this boy. This is one our our immediate family's best traits. We love each other. So we begin the process. We will try horse therapy starting in August as I have heard it is successful with many children with many different diagnosis. We are in the process of buying a home with a little land so that he can play and run outside and get out the excess energy in a safe environment. Mostly, though we are teaching him and each other love, patience, acceptance and a chance to grow and educate ourselves about something new. What we get in return are some of the best hugs, kisses and laughs you would ever want from a child. He has a sense of humor that is out of this world.

Here are some links for information...please share any you find as well.

http://www.nofas.org/about/

http://www.utahfetalalcohol.org/index.html

One last reminder about him and all these children...this was preventable. He did not take the drinks that have caused this. Please do not drink while you are pregnant.

On the move again

Hurrah!!! This week the scale started to move again after a 4 month plateau. I sat at 207 pounds since October. I was petrified that this could be where I would end. I wavered in my decisions about eating and whether it was worth it to stick so closely to what the expectations were about food after surgery if I was still going to be over 200 pounds. I fought about exercise and wondered if it was worth it if I was going to sit at 207 pounds. The worst was when I read in Oprah magazine about a woman who was just starting her weight loss journey and felt obese at 212 pounds.

I thought I was pretty skinny at 207 because I had lost 127 pounds to get there. The article was hard because it took all the positive I felt and flipped it to the, see, you are still fat thought. Even Dan couldn't snap me out of it and I wasn't enjoying his answers as they were not completely filled with confidence about me the way they used to be before the surgery. (In his defense, I am sure my doubts were wearing him down)

This week though the scale started to move again. I had been told and read often that I was probably just on a plateau because of the amount of initial loss I had had so quickly but 4 months is a long time to believe in for me. Anyway, it is moving and Friday I hit 198 pounds. What a relief!! Oh the joy I felt to get below 200 pounds. It all feels possible again. I will make my goal. I know it...getting under 200 pounds was another milestone and I am thrilled that I stuck with the program.

I am joining a new workout group Monday called Strong Women...they do cardio 3 days a week and cicuit training 2 days a week. I am excited and happy to say that positive affirmation every day on my way to work out. Where are you going? I am going to Strong Women. Which I am! I was, am and will be a strong woman because I come from a line of these women in my family. I am thankful for that strength and determination. I am thankful for the doubts, too because they make me look at myself and I find things I can change and tweak to renew my positive thoughts. The media does not do that for us. That is why it has to come from within.

Shoulds

These are the things I should be grateful for:

I should be grateful I have lost 127 pounds. I should be grateful I can run and jump and chase and play with my children again. I should be grateful that I can wun (walk/run) on the treadmill for 45 minutes without feeling completely drained and then go to a flexability class after. I should feel happy that I desire to work out in a way I never have before. These are the things I should be grateful for...instead I have entered a realm of unhappiness that is pretty unexplainable to most people.

A physician explained to me last week that there is a depression that, sometimes, goes along with this surgery. It is more a mourning. Mourning a past way of life. He had good advice in my opinion and that was to not run from those feelings. He even suggested (horrors) to feel them and recognize them and allow myself the opportunity to mourn. I decided to try this because so far my response to these feelings was to become angry and beat myself up and remind myself why I was a failure for feeling these feelings. If you all recall in the beginning I was not going to allow this. I was going to be kind to me throughout this process. Having made a small detour off that path I did need help correcting this directional challenge. I have found it.

I am allowing myself to feel these feelings now when they come up. Suprisingly this allows me to control my response to the feelings rather than allowing the the feelings to control me. I am able to recognize them and still follow what I feel I want to accomplish. For example I recognized sadness over a repeated behavior and instead of looking in the refrigerator to fill up my anger and frustration void I just sat and "enjoyed" the feelings but more importantly recognized them and acknowledged that I was angry and frustrated and then I took the time to change the behavior and took a walk rather than going to the cupboard. It felt good.

Winter

I found this on our computer in Kotzebue, written by a friend of Rachel's, I want to have written it because it is beautiful and really represents the area but I didn't. I hope you enjoy it.


Winter

sparkling in the morning light
glinting from the stars by night
frozen carpet, pale shroud
offspring of a frigid cloud

dry as dust, coarse as sand
melts like butter in the hand
stinging needles on the face
intricate as silken lace

cosmetic for a dirty world
earthward from the sky it swirled
present seven months a year
ubiquitous, it's always near

and when it's gone, you'll never know
that not so very long ago
when it was dark and the wind would blow
we lived in a world of snow

Donald Neal 2006

“I’ll Fly Away”

I'll fly away
Words so safe in your head
Children hoping they’re true as they lie in their bed
Hands groping, breath haunting
Touch strange yet familiar
Father, brother, uncle, friend
Just lying and waiting…waiting for the end…

cjl 06

Letting Go

I sent you away to let you grow
Watching and waiting as you come to know
The Grace of the Lord that his Love is sufficient.

Reach out for his arms and his warm embrace
To enter his kingdom and partake of his grace.

My child so angry and hurt and afraid
I remember today your moustache of kool-aid
Grown now, no longer a child
determining whether to be wild or mild.

Touched by his love but turning away
To stay on a path that takes you further away

What might you find if you look in the mirror?
emptiness, ugliness, fear, hate and dread...
That mirror is lies filling your head.

What will you see if you look in his eyes?
Beauty, Strength, Comfort, Someone to Advise.

How hard it must be being pulled to and fro
because of my love I will let you go.
Into his care for the lessons in store...
To help you remember and turn to him once more.

cjl 05/06

Doubt

Why do I hurt you inside of our head?
Why do I now...take pleasure in your dread?
I wait for those moments when strong turns to weak.
Then I come out not loud but gentle and meek.
You cannot do this, you've proven before
Why do you start over and come back for more?
I'm filled with derision; you're filled with doubt.
Your friends say beware but you let me come out.
Little by Little I eat away,
Not all at once but just some each day.
Each doubt leaves you empty, in a terrible mood.
Then I see that I've won when you reach for the food.

cjl 09/07

Your Body Does What You Ask

Today I hit a milestone. 100 pounds!! It is a milestone because that is half the weight I need to lose. That is hard to believe. When this began I just didn't know if I would be successful even with this drastic a step. To know that I have gotten 1/2 way there and still have about a year left (with the bypass they give you about an 18 month window of opportunity to get all of your excess weight off)it feels that it is possible.

Easy right? I am here to tell you it is not easy. Unless you are living inside my head it would be hard to understand. I self-defeat everyday. The first plateau I hit I knew why my body was "resting". It wanted to make sure I meant it this time. So I made up some positive things to say to myself when I would beat myself up. I reminded myself that my body did what I had asked. I felt that I needed the protection that this weight has given me all of my life. So when negativity crept up I would remind myself and thank my body for the help it had given me. I told my body that I would be patient and wait for when it felt ready to face my fears with me and let go of the extra weight. And I did...and it did, eventually.

One of the things that happened during this plateau was that my body took some time to "rearrange" itself. So, when the numbers started dropping my clothes fit differently immediately and let me know things had happened even though the scale had not moved. (I also recently discovered that a plateau is only a plateau if neither the scale nor measurements change for 3+ weeks.) I do not do and have not done measurements so when I say plateau it is a number plateau.

I hit my second plateau about 3 weeks ago. This was different because I was 3 pounds away from the 100 mark. So these three weeks were a little more difficult and I will admit I was not as nice to myself as I should have been. However, my positives this time were that I continued eating and exercising appropriately. My negative thoughts were not a constant battle about food and how I would get it and when I could get it. That is very exciting to me because it is a step I have prayed about for years. That food would not continue to have the stranglehold over my thoughts and be my comfort for everything. What a joy it was to think, when I was frustrated, I need to take a walk or workout instead. Thankfully, I have lots of active children in this house now always up for an outdoor adventure. Then, of course, Flora came and so she went to the activity center everyday with me. Dan has been there through this plateau 100%. He reminded me often of my commitment to let my body have the time it needed to become accustomed to what I am trying to accomplish. I am ever grateful to him and his unconditional love and acceptance of me when I worry about who I will become as I find myself through losing myself.

I am grateful to be in Metlakatla, at this time, because the weather is milder and so I do get out and hike and walk with the kids a lot more. My support system really has become family and friends because I do not have a built in support system like I did in Boise. No groups or counseling. So I turn to friends, family and the Lord, a lot, to get me through these times of uncertainty. For you all I am also grateful.

Appreciating the Little Things

I don't know that I appreciated the little things that my children did with the first 4. Maybe because I did not know them as little, little children. They were 5-12 when I came around. The last few children, though, I have seen do some crazy things. Often, when Xander is being Xander, my mom will say, "It is a good thing you and Dan got him because you love him no matter what"! Well, guess what? That is true. I love everything he does. Even his bad stuff and that is what I am talking about.

I finally realized how much I want to appreciate the little things. When I was potty training Xander it was frustrating for all of us. But especially for me. I wanted it done. I had started over again with a baby after 7 years with Xander and, for me, it feels very liberating to not have to change diapers or pullups. It feels like kids are almost grown. So I was rushing and there was a lot of hollaring and frustration in the house. One day I realized as I looked at him that when he was potty trained and in school and grown that he would be, well, grown. So I tried to slow down and reminded myself to let him go at his own pace. Others expectations do not rush Xander, or anyone, for that matter. However, when Xander decides he is going to do something he does it and guess what? He is potty trained and he hasn't even started school yet. (That was one of my fears.) All of that frustration probably made a crazy few months for Xander. Months he probably did not even understand because he would not know why they were happening. Those months stunk for me also because I was behaving in a way I don't like to as a parent. I like my kids to see someone happy most of the time. I try to lose my cool over only important things. I was letting losing my cool over the small things become my new behavior. I like myself better this way. Don't get me wrong when I see Dan's Ipod and cell phone floating in the bottom of the tub Xander better run faster than me...but I also want him to continue to wrap his arms around me and say he loves me or pat my head when he tells me he is sorry. I want to hear him say, "I no want to yike that" about the vegetables we put on his plate just a little while longer.

As we walk together now, Trevor, Amylynn, Kenneth and Xander, I appreciate what they appreciate, or I try to. I like them to show the things they notice on the walks be it bugs, flowers, shells, berries or something they see up ahead. I want to know why it interests them. Childrens views of the world are so much better than an adult view because ours get skewered by the expectations that others have for us. Children are pretty straight forward, they say it how they see it.

I may not have gotten my family in the traditional way but I appreciate and love them as if I had. I am grateful for our mixed bag and for the love we find in our home everyday. Yesterday, they all played together in Amylynn's room and Dan and I laughed about how much they were laughing and giggling while they played together. It doesn't get much better than that!

6 Weeks and Counting

I am not sure how long I will blog about the surgery but wanted to update some things. My weight loss is going very well. I have fears of adding foods into my diet. Mostly, I have fears of failing at this again. Some things I have noticed are that people are afraid to eat around me or apologetic when they do. I just wanted to alleviate some guilt. I did this because I wanted and needed the extra support to be successful. This does not mean that you can't eat around me. I will always be able to find something for myself and many times do not feel hungry. So please enjoy yourself. I will be able to enjoy nearly every food again, as well, in about 18 months (just not in the same portions) and until then I want to take advantage of this great tool for weight loss. I hope to learn new eating habits so well that I will never be able to eat the portion sizes I used to and will maintain what weight I can lose now.

I am grateful to everyone for their support. I just do not want this to be the central part of my life. I want new adventures, playing outside with my kids, participating at the park, learning to knit and other new things I want to learn or re incorporate into my life to be the central focus. I am excited to travel and be able to move around comfortably. I am enjoying learning to know what my bodies real needs are and to fulfill only those needs.

This week I got to go to Philly and New Jersey to visit with family and friends and witness a beautiful wedding. It was so fun. I love the East. I am so happy to see the colors and smell the smells of the East. My nephew ran me to New York to visit family there which he always does and I always love. Special times. I could not ask for more.

Have a great day!!

One Month Out

It has been one month since the surgery. This surgery is still more about my emotions than anything else as I have had no physical side effects (knock on wood). This is the week I can add food that is more solid. Soft foods like chicken breast, cooked vegetables...etc. If there are problems I just go back to clear liquids for a day or so to let my system rest.

I started this post a couple of days ago and yesterday had my first full day attempt with food and did have a physical response to eating...basically my stomach was not thrilled and let me know in the good old-fashioned way by not allowing the food to stay down. Not fun!

I wanted to talk about how great my kids are this week though. We have changed many things in the household to accommodate the new healthy eating habits I want us all to have. I am so grateful because there have been no complaints. I don't know whether this is because they don't know how I cooked things before or because they are just awesome. I like to think the latter.

Anyway, some of the changes they have had is moving the pasta to all whole grain...not a hard switch and very tasty. Changing from white to brown rice. An occasional bag of chips. Fruits and veggies with sandwiches instead of chips. Just basic healthy eating. Anyway, just wanted to say they are so cool. I have been so blessed with this family!